Stuff I've learned about 1st Dates

 Posted by Shelly

First dates are scary for awkward lesbians! Especially if you're anything like me and can't help but blush incessantly in the mere presence of a cute girl (you would think that my darker complexion conceals blushes, but you're wrong, YOU'RE WRONG!)

And so, for the benefit of all, I have compiled a list of tips for quick reference.


Stuff I've learned about 1st Dates:

• Some people just don't like Tron. Accept this and try not to make a scene. I've spoiled a few first dates with: "Hey, have you seen the trailer to the new Tron movie? Wait, you don't know what Tron is? YOU MUST KNOW TRON!!! Seriously??? You still don't??? You know, you drive this futuristic motorbike that draws a line behind you where ever that you go, and you want to draw lines behind you that cut off other people's motorbikes to make them crash and explode??? No??? What do you mean that sounds stupid?  AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!"

If only our bond could be as close as two insane-difficulty Tron bots, racing side-by-side with impeccable computer timed reflexes to the end of the level, together... sigh... so romantic...

• If you're going to compliment a girl, figure out what you want to say first. Better yet, pinpoint exactly what you're going to compliment her on. Or else, you'll end up saying something like, "You have a nice.... face", and she'll be like, "Uhhh... thanks?....", and you'll be like, "Err, well, I was going to saw you had nice eyes, but then I also was thinking that you had a very pretty smile, so I decided just to generalize!", but by that point she'll already have begun to think that you're kind of creepy. 

• Awkward silences suck. Fill them by talking about something every lesbian likes, e.g. Tegan and Sara. Wait, I know that you are thinking, "HEY, NOT EVERY LESBIAN LIKES TEGAN AND SARA, GOSSSSSH!" but SHHH, STOP YELLING AT ME cause it's worked for me every time! EVERY TIME! Just saying! Now stop denying, and go back to listening to Alligator off the new T+S album, and maybe even go back to watching the music video, 'cause the random choreographed dance routine in it is awesome. Just awesome.

Popped my blog cherry: Lazy Sundays

Posted by Paige

As I sat at my desk, bored out of my mind and sleepy after playing about five hours worth of Solitaire, I realized… I haven’t written even one post for the blog that I am supposedly a part of. So, with that, I decided that a week of procrastinating was enough and I should make my debut already… And so here I am, writing this in an effort to put off studying for my Religion (in Contemporary Culture) midterm that is tomorrow.

Originally I thought my first post could be about something relevant and interesting, but then I got scared about it being really shitty, so… this is the result.

Being in university and living in residence, there’s really not much to do on a Sunday except sleep in and spend the rest of the day nursing your hangover. I like to spend my time rocking out to Say Anything, Dragonette, and various musical soundtracks while spending large portions of my day playing Solitaire - but none of that is reserved just for Sundays. Occasionally I’ll watch people playing sports on the field outside my window, but that involves turning my head. In terms of actually taking care of various needs like food and showers… those are optional.

A typical Sunday.

 

 Is anyone out there any less boring than myself in their free time?

We're about to become much better friends aka: Erin's first time

 Posted by Erin

To the surprise of absolutely no one, our polls have determined that a whopping 60% of our three and a half readers (the last one is just a "casual reader") would like to see more articles on sex. And I aim to please, although if you were expecting the sexy tales of two attractive L Wordesque women boning in various exotic and improbable locations... you'll have to wait for Bronwyn to post hers, because you won't find anything even remotely sexy here. 

I suppose I should start from the beginning, since simply describing a random sexual encounter would be like starting to watch Lost halfway through season three. 

My first relationship, at the age of eighteen, was a month-long, absolutely sexless ordeal that ended in a mass murder suicide... of my self esteem. My second relationship was a two month pain in arse with a girl who was as heterosexual as could be who lied about her experiences with women and was about as interesting as staring at an irregularly shaped rock all day. In between those two relationships, I had sex for the first time. 

It basically came at roughly the same time I was introduced to alcohol. The age here in Ontario is nineteen. Over the river in Quebec it's eighteen and in the states it's... what? Thirty five or something? But I waited until I was almost nineteen before I had my first real drink.


There was the Christmas party, December 2007, where I was unfortunately molested on a couch by the creepiest boy there. No, I don't count that as my first time but could you imagine? Nor is it the weekend I'd turned nineteen where I singled out the first person in the bar, made out with her, went home with her, made out some more, and then unsuccessfully snuck out of her apartment the next morning, while repeating "What have I done? Oh god what have I done?"


No, the first time was in February of 2008, as near as I can recall. Her name was Juliette* and she was the biggest flake I'd ever met in my life. My well-meaning gay friend Travis knew her from god only knows where. I am forced to assume he caught her going through his garbage. My impression of her is rather hazy. I know she was at least seven feet tall, towering over my short, but not slight, five foot two frame. I know that we spent our first "date" walking around campus talking awkwardly. I also know that during that time, I had absolutely no sense of what we will call "not chemistry", I was desperately alone, and I looked like this: 

You didn't realize you could have too much sexy UNTIL YOU SAW THIS PHOTO.

Juliette and I split after our awkward first date but I was already planning for the next one. On our second first date, we decided to just seal the deal and get it over with. She'd never been with a woman outside of a poorly thought out threesome and I was... well... horribly awkward in every way, so it really goes without saying.

But she had one thing going for her, and that was an apartment all to herself, albeit filled to the ceilings with garbage when she ran out of room on her back porch for it (seriously). My parents had enlisted a 'no sex under my roof' rule, that was apparently in effect even when they weren't home. So, a four pack of Bacardi Breezers under one arm, I spent the night at Juliette's apartment. 

I drank all four bottles of the booze and realized miserably, that I wasn't feeling any more confident, and she wasn't any hotter. We moved to her absent sister's bedroom (because her own bed was covered in garbage, surrounded by a sea of garbage) and things got rather uninteresting. I was on the rag so I kept my panties on. I tried to handcuff her to the bed post, only to realize that she didn't have a bedpost and the handcuffs themselves were easily escapable so I essentially just held them above her head with one hand. 

I almost went down on her, before terror seized me and I recoiled in fear. I boredly fingered her for almost thirty minutes, constantly switching hands, occasionally asking "Are you finished yet? No? No, it's cool. I'm having fun. No, really. No I am." 

She finished. I nursed my sore hands. She went to sleep on the couch and I slept alone in the bed. The next day, we watched The Pokemon Movie in stony silence and then I babbled that I had to get going. I walked to the bus stop hung over, during a snow storm and I saw a bird attack and eat another bird in the air above me. 

She posted a message on my Facebook wall later that day, cryptically saying, "I owe you one ;)" 

Sad to say, I never did get repaid. Nor did I get a desperately needed do-over.  

*note: not actually her real name

A success!

Posted by Erin

The zombie walk was most excellent. This was my first year and it rocked.

Poop goes in the potty

Posted by Shelly

So, I was IMing this girl, (IM-- so much easier than real social interaction! Do people say IM? MSN? Whatever, I'm hip.) and I was trying to be cool, so I sent her a link to this trendy band on YouTube. Except, with it was accidentally sent a list of my "favourites" on YouTube. This is the second time it's happened to me this week! She's also the second person to comment on how I have the "The Poopsmith Song" in my top favourites. I don't think she was charmed. Stupid... YouTube...

Whatever, I don't care. If you don't like The Poopsmith Song, what is wrong with you???

P.S. I blame Matae.

P. P. S. Here are some pictures of ceramic poops that I made and kept from my Gr. 10 art class. I had to sneak them into the kiln. So worth it...

Log poop...

...Swirly poop! Why don't girls like me?

Zombies!

Ottawa Zombie Walk today! Come on down! 

 

Ugh! I have such high standards...

 Posted by Shelly

I'm having a hard time meeting that special someone who's just right for me.

Why can't every woman just be Peneloppe Cruz weilding a Mastersword, driving a tron bike?

It would also be awesome if the Mastersword was actually a sandwich.

Everyone gets lonely sometimes... I just use Photoshop to fill the void...

Observations about sleep deprevation

Posted by a sleepy Erin

I stayed up all night with the intent of getting on top of some projects instead of speeding through them the night before the due date. Suddenly, artistic inspiration hit me. Fingers trembling, I took out my pencil and sketchbook and lo and behold, I began to draw...

 Totally worth it...?

I sketched all night and when I glanced at my clock I realized that it was an hour before I usually wake up (at 5 am... unfortunately). When it comes to late nights, there's always a 'point of no return' period. When the potential sleeper realizes they have two hours before they have to wake up and they usually just proclaim 'fuck this noise, I'm going ALL NIGHT, BABY!'. Stock up on energy drinks, coffee and something that delivers a mild electric shock, possibly hooking up your nipple clamps to a bug zapper. You all HAVE nipple clamps, don't you? Ask your mom to borrow hers, she doesn't use them (except on the last Friday night of every month). 

I hopped into the shower at 4:30 and enjoyed the cascade of just below scalding water. I like to come out looking like a goddamn lobster. Everything else is just NOT HOT ENOUGH. Which makes it difficult in the mornings. I want my long hot shower but after about two minutes I have my father banging on the door saying, "Don't use up all the hot water! And have you gained WEIGHT?!"

Well yes, but that's not the point. 

So early in the morning, I was able to enjoy a slightly longer shower. I could finally wash that rotting vegetable smell out of my Michelin man-esque rolls, a mammoth task that eludes me most days. I found the TV remote too. It was a good morning for cleanliness, all around. I haven't showered that much since I had that one night stand with Bronwyn and her reptilian third eyelids. 

Bronwyn is SO wasted in this photo.

I even had time to apply all the makeup that I needed to apply. 

As a natural blond, my eyebrows and eyelashes come in an unfortunate shade I like to call 'invisible'. Every morning, if I want to look like a normal human being and NOT like the Mona Lisa, who I have determined is NOT a human being at all, I have to draw my eyebrows on. The biggest source of conflict in my life among the other sapphists is whether or not I'm a lesbian based solely on my makeup and tendency to carry a purse. Listen up! Most of you have awesome clear skin and perfectly normal, visible eyebrows. I have a face that has been affectionately described by my psychiatrist as 'pock-marked'. The purse is to haul my makeup around in. The entire bottom of my purse is coated in a hardened facial powder. 

To look halfway human, my makeup regime takes up a good chunk of my mornings. Also blow drying and straightening my hair. My hair isn't really curly, isn't really straight. It just does this thing on the right side where the same lock every day will bend upwards... Like I thought about curling my hair but then as I got the first bit of hair around it, I gave up. It's like I wandered into a field of friendly deer and one of them licked my head. It's just a worthless little piece of hair and straightening only holds it down for a while... If I had it on the other side too, at LEAST it could look like I meant to do it and that I hadn't gotten my hair caught in a door.

With the extra time to get ready but a brain that has turned to molasses from lack of sleep, I decided after going through my closet, that dressing like Stevie Nicks would be a totally good idea and not crazy at all. So today I look a little bit like a crazy cat lady who also happens to be a witch. Excellent, it's good to target that market. 

I now find myself in the lab, energy drink long forgotten, while I pretend that I'm totally not tired at all. Pssshoooooooooooooooooooooo....

Internet Dating and You Part 2: Milking the post

 Posted by Erin

I noticed that the first part of this deep and meaningful investigation lacked absolutely anything related to lesbianism. So now we delve into the deeper layers of the disgusting raisin cake that is internet dating, to a niche inside a niche. 

Ladies, of course I'm talking about...

Lesbians on Dating Sites (and why they aren't there)

I don't fucking know, I'm only one woman!

  
There is a website that a certain celebrity plugged in a certain nine minute long music video. I won't name said website, but seeing as you have it open in another window as you read this, obsessively refreshing your e-mail page every ten minutes, I'm sure you know the one I'm referring to. 

You might be saying, 'Erin, you idiot, there are SO lesbians on dating sites. What the hell am I doing reading this? I should be studying for my midterm tomorrow.' It's true, you should but let me just explain something here. 

 

This is my helpful little breakdown of lesbians on most dating sites, for people who need their pie charts in order to understand things. As you can see... a giant portion of this delicious pie is made up of these things we call "probably not lesbians". Unlike what the L Word would have you believe, a lot of people are actually not lesbians. And most of them wear bras. 

For some reason though, a lot of girls are "curious" about it. And rather than hide this shameful affliction from the world, they've decided to take it to the Internet in the hopes of finding like-minded people. What they end up finding are newly out lesbians who haven't yet sharpened their gaydars enough to realize the truth. 

So while you may think you've just uncovered a plethora of reasonably attractive women on the site and are rubbing your hands together pervertedly and grinning: 

  Remember that a good chunk of them are about as gay as the popular girls were when they got drunk and started making out on the boat cruise at the non-school sanctioned after prom party.

Why No One Messages You

Dating sites are probably the biggest letdown since you found out Santa Claus isn't real and that your parents had sex at least once, in order to make you. You posted your photo, made up a snazzy profile, even messaged a couple people who seemed interesting. You wait for days, weeks... nothing. Not even a spark of interest from your fellow desperate loners. Confused, angry and disillusioned, you change your profile from 'Looking for a relationship' to 'I don't care' and change the tune of your profile to something like 'I don't even care if I meet anyone. I'm so disillusioned with online dating these days, anyway...' 

Here's the thing. You put that you're interested in men instead of women and the floodgates open. Countless creepy men message you immediately. You're sifting through upwards of 40 messages a day, deleting many, playfully responding to some. The point is, you have a much better shot being attracted to men than women on a dating site because of one simple thing... 

Women don't message each other.

If you've ever been to a gay bar, you might see it in action. Oh sure, some people are paired up, but there are just as many looking around, double fisting, just as lost and afraid as you are. Some are even attractive (unlike you). What's the problem here? 

Well, I went to a club once with my straight friends. Almost immediately upon entering said club, my friend and I were approached by two fairly normal looking guys, looking to dance and buy us drinks. We turned them down... and standing right behind them were more guys, just as keen as the last ones. 

Women don't approach each other, at least not very often and certainly not nearly as much as men. I'd say it's just some sort of behavior that's bred into us. Ladies wait at the bar for someone to approach them, whores go after what they want. Problem with that is if everyone's a woman, then no one is approaching anyone. It's the same on dating sites. There are a lot of people who put up profiles and explicitly state, "I'm pretty uncomfortable messaging people, so message me if you're interested." The fuck? 

So if you're waiting around for the right girl to message you, it might never happen. Stop being a wimp and message her, already! 

Everyone still has vaguely defined expectations

If you glean just one piece of knowledge from this post today, let it be this... 

   

 This is, essentially, what everyone wants you to look like. Straddling the lines between butch and femme, slender, tattooed, and wearing a wife beater. Unless you look like this, no one is going to give a flying fuck if you share their interests or if you're sincere. 

And here is what every lesbian roughly looks like on dating sites. If you see some good looking girls, remember they're probably just looking to "experiment". No, actual honest to goodness lesbians, mostly look like our friend here. That's actually a self-taken photo, by the way. This is reality. I hope you like crazy nineteen year olds making the duck face. 

The girl in the photo above this one DOES exist, but why would she need to use an online dating site? She breaks up with her girlfriend and she's got another on the way. Your dream girl STILL doesn't need a dating site, no matter how popular and socially acceptable it's become in recent years to use one. Even if you do find the girl on top among the profiles, she's not going to message you back. Why should she?  You don't look like her ideal. It's like real life, only worse because everyone makes immediate snap judgments about whether or not they'll bother with someone, rather than getting to know them first.

Is there anything that can be done? Not really. Online dating takes a lot of time, luck and patience. There's always the chance that you'll be meeting with someone completely different than what you were expecting. And it's a lot easier to just ignore someone online then to be upfront with them. I'd say give it a shot but don't get your hopes up too much. 

Of course, if it gets more awesome girls on a dating website then I'm totally down with it.

It's almost Halloween

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

How to eye-flirt like a champ

Posted by Shelly

I live a pretty simple life. As most people do, I have ambitions and I have dreams. But when it really boils down to it, I have only two main goals that I strive for.

First of all, world domination. Obviously.

Secondly, to have a "missed connection" ad written about me on Craigslist.

Now, if you want to truly succeed in becoming a "missed connection", you must actively exert yourself. There is a fine art to missing connections, you see.  There are techniques. And, as a qualified expert in this field, I, Shelly, will pass on to you, the readers, yet another slice of advice from my infinite fountain of knowledge in all things flirtacious. Today's lesson: Eye-flirting.

To flirt with your eyes is to send a message---a message saying: Senorita, fly away with me to paradise. Then, you must disapear mysteriously into the night, and they will think you are handsome and alluring.

There are various methods of eye-flirting.

The Shy Guy

Step 1) Look in her direction

 Step 2) Make eye contact, and bashfully look away

Step 3) Sneak a look back up and resume eye contact 

Step 4) Repeat as many times as desired, OR move on to...

The Inquisitive

Step 1) Arch one eyebrow
Step 2) (Optional) Remove glasses in a super slick manner

Once you get good at the basics, you can try attempting some of these higher difficulity eye-flirts.
(Warning: may cause swoons.)

The Gaze

The "Yeah, I'm lookin' at you"

The Leer

...Well, it worked for Annabelle.

A New Addition to the League of Awkward Lesbians...

Posted by Bronwyn

...is my little sister, Paige. *sigh*  Yep, that's right, folks!  The only two children our heterosexual and semi-conservative parents ever produced are flaming little homos.  I like to think that we're kind of like Tegan and Sara, but born a year and a half apart and less attractive and mullet-y.  Well, that's half a lie, because I am currently sporting a baby mullet for the time being.   My sister, on the other hand, is not, nor will she ever.

This is a typical picture of my sister: 

This is why the rum is always gone...

She is out on the east coast at the moment at Saint Mary's University, so we'll be getting some of her input on the queer scene out there, so stay tuned! 

So the point of this post other than introducing  my little sister is to discuss gay siblings.  How often does this happen?  I am looking for some comments on this post so I can figure out if this is a common occurence or not.  Whenever I discuss this with my friends, they are almost always shocked into stammering or silence. 

So, readers, your opinions on this?

Internet Dating and You

 Posted by Erin

If you're anything like me (and for the sake of your friends and family, I really hope you aren't), you know that dating is hard. And if Homer Simpson has taught me anything, it's that if something is hard to do then it's just not worth doing. So for most of the year I sit in a state I like to call 'not dating'. I fill this time mostly with processed cheese slices, lying on various surfaces around the house, and quiet sobbing between the hours of 11 pm to 2 am every night. 

Every so often, however, the clouds part and a ray of misguided hope lights up my life. I think, 'My god, I'm not even that fat or ugly. I keep my facial hair shaved, my unibrow waxed and my parasitic twin fetus tastefully hidden under a jacket. Don't I deserve that happiness that has always evaded me?!' And at that moment, that moment of idiocy, the answer is always a resounding yes.

I've seen the eHarmony ads on TV, where the young Caucasian couples gush about how happy they are together amid shots of embracing on a beach and running through a field of flowers in slow motion. And I get into the spirit of online dating, I really do. I want to believe that Joe Wilkinson and Phyllis Hobrackenette found their soul mates in each other after exchanging a series of lewd messages over a computer. Why, online dating can actually work out, sometimes. I've done it before with varying results. Most of my relationships started out online, actually. Without revealing my number of girlfriends, I can safely say that 75 percent of her I met online. 

As a seasoned, on again off again online date prowler, I can take you by the cold, sticky hand, and lead you through the pitfalls of online dating. 

Lowering Your Expectations: the Power of Attitude

There is a misconception that the online dating pool is getting larger as it becomes more acceptable to turn to the Internet for love. Five years ago, you had to wade through twenty photos of equine-human hybrids. Right at the end of the page you'd see a reasonably normal looking person with an interesting profile, only to find that she has been MIA from the site since 1997. 

You think to yourself, miserably, 'There aren't any cool or interesting people on this website at all! I feel so discouraged!' Well don't be. Remember, you're on the Internet now. You've already given up your chance to be picky. It's like that one time you came to the conference late and the only pizza left when you got there was the one with only onions on it and the box was sitting on the floor under the table and it had been flipped over by accident when someone kicked it and the dried out slices were lying all over the coffee stained carpet. But you ate that pizza, didn't you? Because if you don't eat the stale onion floor pizza, you don't eat at all. 

What I'm saying is, you were late to the conference of life and the people on that website are the pieces of pizza that no one else wants. But you can have as much as you want, if you have the right attitude!

When Lying is Acceptable: The Profile Photo

Check our first post in this blog and you'll see our photos. They look okay, don't they? We look like reasonably attractive, fertile women. That's the beauty of the digital age, my friend. The ability for anyone to look fairly attractive in 'photo evidence'. 

For instance, looking at Bronwyn's photo, you'd probably think she's your average attractive woman with albinism. You'd never know that Bronwyn ACTUALLY has a third translucent eyelid that goes horizontally over the surface of her eye and when she sleeps it looks like her eyes are open because she can close that translucent covering. That's the power of high contrast. And looking at Shelly's photo, you'd probably have never guessed that she's actually a rare Javan rhino. That's called working your best angle. 

It's okay to lie a little when it comes to your profile photos. People say they're looking for more than looks but anyone who says that is a complete liar and you should immediately question everything they say. Everyone is browsing based on photos. They look at the photos first, before anything else. Sometimes they'll message you based on your photos alone. So instead of having them physically recoil from the monitor in disgust because you posted an "honest" photo, let him instead salivate over a photo of Christina Hendricks that you edited to give her the same eye colour as you. 

Honestly, if you have to choose between one date or no dates, what's it gonna be? 

Well I'm actually supposed to be doing something besides this so I'm going to tack on a 'TO BE CONTINUED' tag and resume this post in a part 2.

Movie Review: Loving Anabelle

 Posted by Erin

Loving Annabelle, every lesbian’s favourite movie. Or at least every lesbian has seen it. (Note: if you haven’t seen it then maybe you’re actually bisexual or something. What is wrong with you?)

It’s the harrowing tale about a chain-smoking angry teen and a perpetually worried looking teacher who fall in love at some Catholic private school or something. I’ve seen it a few times. Mostly for Erin Kelly. 

Erin Kelly >:)

I love Erin Kelly but I can honestly say they hired her entirely for her leering skills because that's literally all she does in the movie. Anabelle is the badass new student and Simone is the teacher with an ambiguous sexuality. When their worlds collide, it can only result in... well a good sixty minutes of leering. At least the director tries to spice it up a little by changing the leering locations. 

Classroom leering, library leering... and then Simone even has a dream sequence in which she's sitting in a church while Anabelle is behind her... leering. 

Anabelle used leer. It's super effective.

I guess this is the only way they can express sexual tension. Go ahead, try this technique on someone you fancy. I'll get the bail money ready...

They hang out. Anabelle smokes. Simone breaks up with her dopey boyfriend after the most awkward round of straight sex ever(basically he humps her, finishes and then passes out while she looks bored). We find out Simone had a female partner back in the day, although she's tragically dead and I can't really remember if they ever explain why. Meanwhile, Anabelle is in trouble with the creepy headmistress at school because her ex girlfriend gave her some beads to wear around her neck and she won't take them off. Or something. 

Anabelle makes friends with the girl who cuts herself and makes enemies with the bicurious girl when she tries to make out with her in the swimming pool. In a scene that just kind of is there, without explanation... 

What a waste of time!

If you think about it too hard, you'll get that icky feeling realizing that these are high school girls and that one of them (eventually) has sex with her teacher who has to be in her early to mid thirties. And of course, they had to throw the Catholic angle in there too. And yes, they wear the uniforms and everything. They may as well have set the movie in a french maid training college. 

Whatever. When we finally get to the climatic showdown, Anabelle sings a song at... prom? Some kind of dance? Catholic schools have dances now? I thought dancing led to touching. And the whole time she sings, she's leering at poor Simone, who is by this point a total wreck. They have a fairly satisfying sex scene. 

The movie ends realistically with Simone being taken away by the police and Anabelle getting sent back home. 

Overall, a lot of leering, a school populated by stock characters, and a slow buildup. Is it good? Sure, it's alright. It's kind of a required viewing, anyways. I wouldn't call it a great movie. Average, maybe. You have to watch it so that you can get your meddling friends off your back. It also documents the rise and fall of Erin Kelly's film career. 

The sex scene alone is worth the price of the movie. (Which is priceless because you're going to download the torrent for free.)

Two stars out of five! 

Don't you hate it when men aren't lesbians?

Posted by Bronwyn

There are several growing fashion trends within the male adolescent/young adult population that are leaving me often frustrated and disappointed with myself and my love of androgyny, as well as my blatant homosexuality. 

     Now, I love androgyny more than anything else because I don't believe in the societal constructs of "male" and "female" fashions, because that puts limits on your freedom of expression and your ability to simply be yourself in the eyes of the label-loving majority of the population, blah blah feminist queer rights blah blah down with gender hierarchies and gender binaries, etc. 

     However, it has its drawbacks, such as when you see what you believe to be an attractive, semi-butch, androgynous lesbian... who turns out to be a teenage boy.  Quite possibly the most awkward thing in the world.  

     If you are gutsy enough to approach the not-really-a-cute-androgynous-lesbian-but-in-fact-an-awkward-situation-waiting-to-happen, you must then quickly make up an excuse as to why you approached this pecs and penis-possessing, breasts and vagina-less person.  Personally, I find the Shelly solution (run away like a pansy) to be a quick and effective way of getting out of that situation, although it will leave you feeling mortified and frustrated with yourself for not coming up with a smooth cover up for your blunder.

Now, the most popular fashion trends for dudes that I find to be the biggest mindfucks ever are:

1.     V-Neck T's/sweaters

This is what you expect or hope for...

This is what you get.  Goddamnit.

V-Necks are insanely popular these days, which is pretty fucking awesome, because I do love me some v-necks.  However, it is a unisex style, so disappointment is something that often follows when you see an attractive person with unisex hair wearing one.  There is approximately a 50% chance of disappointment, to be followed by an 85% chance of confused frustration. 

2.     Vests, suspenders and ties, oh my!

I don't know who this is, but can I have them?  Please?

The re-introduction of suspenders, suit vests, suit jackets, ties, fedoras, dress pants, and dress shirts into the world of popular fashion among my age group is something that makes me happy beyond belief.  However, said fashions are sadly not limited to the gay ladies population, which, again, creates more confusion and disappointment.  However, formal wear is always eye catching and can be fun to mix and match with some casual clothing, such as jeans or converse shoes.  When in doubt, suit up!

3.     Skinny jeans

When coupled with a hoodie and unisex haircut... good luck.

I will just let these speak for themselves. The only way to figure out the sex of the person here is to judge the width of the person's hips, and whether they're a bit bulgy in the front. *sigh*

4.     Beanies

If someone is wearing this style of hat with wingtips (if you don't know what they are, I will be blogging about lesbian and androgynous haircuts in the next day or two) and a scarf, then determining their gender will be twice as diffcult :'(

I am not entirely sure if these hats are very popular outside of the Ottawa region, but since they're pretty much the bee's knees here, I'm going to talk about them and how awesome, yet frustrating, they are.  Approximately 70% of the Ottawa population (Note: I don't actually know what percentage of Ottawa citizens own these, but it sure seems as though at least 70% have them) own these hats, which come in a variety of designs and funky shapes.  They're awesome, but they are also an addition to the confusion surrounding identifying lesbians from male hipsters. 

Types of lesbians for the new generation

Posted by Erin

We queer women love our labels, despite arguments to the contrary. Unfortunately, the lesbians of the young generation are generally shunning the labels of the days of Stonewall. Luckily I'm creative and have absolutely nothing better to do than to create new labels for the modern day queer lady. In the spirit of hurt feelings and accusations of betraying my brethren, I offer an incredibly simplified look at the types of lesbians that you will encounter as a young attractive queer woman on the scene in the year 2010. So now when your friends say 'I actually don't fit into a category', you can helpfully remind them that they do.

(Note: This is just to poke fun, I cannot be held responsible for your lack of style creativity)

The Classic Butch

 Lipstick and eyeliner is a rarity. A cascading mullet is not.

There are two images that the non-queer population get into their heads when they hear the word 'lesbian'. One is Katy Perry and Lindsay Lohan making out naked on a bed before a man joins in on the sex, the other is the classic butch. These are the lesbians who predated all others. They're usually older women, although I have seen a couple young people rocking the style. They like denim, shaved heads, sleeveless shirts and more denim. They are guaranteed to be able to get the lid off any jar in the kitchen.  

The Modern Butch

Unf Daniela Sea. Unf.

The modern butch is in high demand and low supply. They are defined by loose-fitting jeans, wife-beaters and tattoos. They are the most laid-back people in the world and they are generally less catty than most of the other lesbians. Everyone is legally obligated to find the modern butch attractive, including other modern butches. You are also legally obligated to hate their girlfriends.

The Andro Nerd

 Honestly, the only photo of Francis from Better than Chocolate that I could find. Blasphemy. 

Kind of nerdy, kind of sweet. They like their ties and suspenders. Squint and you might mistake her for a fifteen year old boy. This is the androgynous nerd. Absolutely adorably awkward in every way. More likely to stay in on a Saturday night and play video games or read than to hit up the bar. Glasses have never looked better. 

The Andro Glam

   If only, Robyn. If only...

The Andro glam is a big club goer. She likes to go out and live it up. She's defined by geometric haircuts and a shrine to Adam Lambert in her broom closet. More than anyone else, Andro glam lesbians are tight with the gay men and together they roam the streets leaving a trail of glitter and rocker fashion in their wake. 

Flowerchild Femme

I have a gun that shoots daisies and vegan hemp protein powder.

The flowerchild femme is generally an activist, loves animal rights and might be a folk music performer. Often sports dreadlocks and wears beads generally anywhere she can manage to put them on her wardrobe. They are sort of a modern day hippie. They like to talk about the time they went backpacking through Europe after art college. Folk music festivals and vegan, gluten-free cafes are where they frequent. Gotta love them dreads.

Body Modification Femme

  Oh hells yeah.

Tattoos, piercings, drawn-on eyebrows and cat eye makeup are these ladies' calling cards. They've got a bit of a goth flair and a dangerous edge about them but they're usually pretty chill. They have a 95% chance of being a smoker. 

Hipster Andro

  Ellen Paaaaaaaage. 

Skinny jeans, converse sneakers, scarves and cardigans are in the closet of every hipster andro. They like Kimya Dawson and Tegan and Sara. They drink obscene amounts of coffee. Most of them are English majors. You'll find them in coffee shops, study groups and slam poetry readings. Most of them are teeny tiny, we're talking barely passing the five foot mark. Which makes it easier to smuggle them into bars under your coat when the bouncer believes they're only sixteen. 

Weekend Lesbian

...?! 

WARNING, THIS IS NOT A LESBIAN. ABORT THE MISSION, ABORT THE MISSION!