Movie Review: Better Than Chocolate

post by Erin

According to a website I may have dreamed about, Better than Chocolate is the most popular movie to come out of Canada. It manages to narrowly win out against the only other movie Canada has ever made, Men with Brooms. Luckily for Canadians, with a movie about lesbians and another movie about curling, it manages to cover the interests of roughly the entire population anyways. Expect a movie about curling lesbians sometime in 2012.(Note: I would actually totally love that.)

Our story takes place in a nameless city, although it's probably supposed to be Toronto. For anyone who has never been to Canada, there’s basically Toronto and then the rest of us just live in small tribes of fifty to one hundred members, scattered across the arctic tundra.

We are introduced to Maggie, a nineteen year old college dropout who lipsyncs regularly at the local glow-in-the-dark gay bar and works at a Queer bookstore. Maggie meets Kim, a freelance artist who is living out of her van. How Kim even manages to afford gas for the thing on her meager income is left to the imagination. 

Don't worry, it's just paint.

The biggest obstacle to this emerging butch/femme romance is the presence of Maggie's mother and younger brother who have come to live in her apartment after a messy divorce. As you can imagine, Maggie isn't out to her family and her relationship with Kim is kept on the down low to avoid detection. 

The secrets quickly start to unravel, though, as Maggie is temporarily subletting the apartment from a woman who gives safe sex demonstrations and because of this, there is basically a dildo or vibrator in absolutely any place one can be concealed. Kim and Maggie sleep on the couch so that Maggie's mother can sleep in the bed. Maggie's seventeen year old brother spies them having sex one night (the the covers off too! They're not even trying to avoid being caught!) and, doing the reasonable thing, watches in amusement. 

This is where the movie takes an unrealistic turn. I don't know about you people out there but regardless of my orientation, if I ever accidentally saw my sibling on the job, I would react with repulsion and horror before having to be coaxed out of the bathroom after several hours.

Maggie's mother is a shrill, former housewife whose main concern is that her daughter isn't fashionable enough to get a man. She also bemoans her sex life (or lack thereof) to her children like it's nothing. Again, maybe I'm just prudish but I really don't want to know about the sex life of anyone in my family. If I came into the house one day to find my mother putting away groceries before looking up and exclaiming, "My GOD I haven't gotten laid in a while", I'd probably slowly retreat backwards out the door.

Maggie and Kim are both likable enough and mostly avoid running into too many stereotypes. Some of the other characters aren't so lucky. We have the Italian coffee shop owner next door who seems like he'd be more at home in Jersey than anywhere in Canada. We also have a bisexual woman in the cast, Carla, who might not even warrant a mention if not for the fact that she seems to think of and talk about sex all the time and has absolutely nothing else to do or say. It's kind of a stereotype that I'm sure annoyed a lot of bisexual women. However, she does manage to deliver one of the most poignant quotes in the movie-- "Soft centers, hard centers, I like all the chocolates in the box."

Other than that though, she's usually talking about her collection of anal beads. No, seriously.

 We also have Judy, a transgendered woman who has her eyes on the adorable Francis, the skittish owner of the bookstore. A little cringe worthy is when Judy strides up to Francis and declares that she's "almost a woman" and therefore they should go out. I don't claim to speak for the transgendered community but I dunno, it sort of struck me as a little offensive. She does redeem herself somewhat, however, with the amusing musical number 'I'm not a fucking drag queen' later on. 

We have to keep in mind that this movie is over ten years old now, made in 1999. The world was a different place back then. Looking like Saffron from Republica was considered cool and stylish. Internet backlash wasn't nearly as widespread and keeping a large van filled with gas was apparently affordable for someone who is essentially homeless. 

I doubt there are many people reading this blog who haven't seen Better than Chocolate. Without giving much else away, just remember it wasn't made in Hollywood so it has a standard happy ending where none of the gay people die. Its beginning to show it's age by now and in twenty more years, it might be virtually unwatchable. Who knows? Maggie and Kim provide the eye candy and the smoldering love scenes. Everything else is just a little too stereotypical and silly.

Still, it's a nice enough way to kill time on a boring Sunday afteroon.

Break up better with these helpful tips!

Posted by Shelly

So it seems that it's that time of year where everyone is breaking up with everyone (I even include myself in this statement.) You are all heartbroken and whiney. But listen - I will give you some advice to make you happy again. Some people doubt my awesome advice, but let me assure you, I'm a professional. I get dumped all the time! So listen and learn! Also, you're welcome.

Tip 1: It's time to get your life back in order. 

This is one of the most crucial steps to recovery. You need to lock yourself in your basement with your computer and your lvl 80 blood elf paladin, eat nothing but pizza pockets and cheese strings, and remember JUST HOW GOOD IT IS TO BE SINGLE.

Tip 2: Don't underestimate the value of having a harem. 

Seriously, if you don't already have a gaggle of hot women to follow you around and do your bidding, you should really get going on that.

For example, if you see your ex macking on some other girl right in front of you, you can just snap your fingers and say, "HAREM... ASSEMBLE!" and then have a plethora of women swooning all over you. And your ex will be like, "Hmmmff, come on, Becky, let's leave!" but you'll know that you just won. Oh, yeah, you won, all right.

Besides, harems are good for all sorts of occasions, too. Like this one time, I was dancing up in the club, and I was trying to get my groove on with some girl, but she was like "Pffff, no..." so I just said, "Whatever. Don't care. HAREM???" I'm pretty sure she wasn't looking at me with my harem, but, you know, whatever, I still won.

Tip 3: Revenge is awesome. 

Revenge is the best part of breaking up, but it gets overlooked so many times! Don't miss your opportunity to be spiteful and horrible with an excuse! And stop listening to people who tell you otherwise. I'M telling you, revenge will make you feel good, and immediate gratification is all the matters. I rememeber when my first girlfriend dumped me. To get back at her, I posted a video about oranges to her facebook page. She really hated oranges. Take that, you bitch!


Okay, that's all for now. Follow these steps, and you'll be soooooo over your ex in no time! I mean, just look at me, I'm already sooooooo over MY ex! Except... well.... I guess I am kind of lonely.... sigh....... wait..... HAREM, ASSEMBLE!!!!! See, it works!

In unrelated news, I made a whole bunch of stickers of my face. I'm gonna vandalize EVERYTHING with stickers, and people are going to come up to me and be like, "Hey... do I know you from somewhere?" and I'll be like, "I don't know.... have you seen my face around? HAHAHAHAHA..."

It's not vain to create a ton of stickers with your face on them.... jeeeeeeeeeeeez

I think the guy on the computer behind me is watching shit porn

post by Erin

There isn't a conceivable reason why I woke up this morning with the tell-tale aches and pains of an incoming cold AS WELL AS acid reflux that continues at this moment to bubble up my throat and scald my esophagus. Except that maybe the world is punishing me for something I was framed for. Maybe it was because two days ago, while leafing through the family safe for my transcripts, I came across my grandmother's will and happened to glance at the amount of money she'd be leaving me. 

Maybe it's because I saw my ex in the arms of another woman yesterday and instead of doing the mature, adult thing and saying hi all mature and adult-like, I panicked and ran into Lenscrafters, to be stared at by confused staff who seemed to think I just really wanted a pair of horned-rim glasses. 

Maybe I haven't been a good older sister and amid my sister's attempts at hanging out, I've dismissed her repeatedly. Usually bitterly uttering the words, "Go back to your WHORE!" Her whore being her boyfriend that she basically lives with. They already have two cats together. It's pretty damn serious.

Or, most likely, it's because the multimedia students share the lab with the gaming students and (I'm not making this shit up here), you can literally smell the gaming students before you see them. When they gather together in large groups you actually know about it before you turn around the corner. I have my doubts that they bathe regularly, let alone wash their hands. So when they touch the keyboard, I then touch the keyboard and the cycle of evil begins anew.

It's been an exhausting couple of weeks in terms of drama. Other people's drama, mind you, not my own. In order to have my own drama, I'd be required to go out and meet people, interact... maybe put on something that isn't a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. To that I say 'fuck that noise'. No, I just live through my friends, namely Bronwyn and Shelly. Learn from their mistakes, cry alongside them, nod wisely as they learn, laugh when they're triumphant etc. When they get married/common law married for those who scream in protest against heteronormativeness, I expect to live on one of their couches. Or maybe both. Maybe I'll switch it up. Like if Shelly lives in Florida and Bronwyn lives somewhere that isn't Florida, I'll live with Shelly in the winter.

I see my future as being a big black hole of suck. Like everyone in my family, it's not that I don't possess the skills and talents to succeed, I just don't seem to possess the drive. The art world isn't exactly booming with exciting prospects for obtaining hookers and/or blow. And the HTML coding isn't bending over to my whim like I was expecting it to. At least I can take some comfort in the fact that other people have similar doubts about the future but can still offer wisdom in my time of need...

I will, Courage Wolf. I will... Because I have an erection in the class of life. And I'll get up anyways.

I also happen to be high as a goddamn kite at the moment. By completely legal and honorable means, I assure you. I've taken Dayquil, which really shouldn't get you high, that seems a little counterproductive. But maybe getting you kite-high is the trick to dealing with your cold. Spend the week strung out on cold medicine, laugh at completely inappropriate times, sober up in a ditch somewhere, the last five days a blur. Contract a surprise STD. A typical cold, you know. 

Erin wants to take tentative steps into the world of dating again, although I remain tentatively tentative. It's not JUST to stick it to my ex. Time just isn't on my side at the moment. Any woman able to get past my ridiculous standard barrier would also have to deal with my frequent unavailability due to school. I don't see why anyone would even bother with someone who on a good day is described as 'Mia Kirshner only like, 500 pounds' or on a bad day, 'an overstuffed sack of potatoes'. 

There is a girl I fancy though. Which puts me further ahead of any other time I've ever said 'I want to date again!'. We've hung out a grand total of... once. But it was a hoot. That's all I really need to go by, you know. Again though, my availability rears its head. Suddenly it'll be two weeks before we can hang out again. It just seems way too long to wait for a talking sack of potatoes.

By the way, since the last article, people have been telling me they haven't seen Hook. I don't think I need to stress any further that you NEED TO SEE IT IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY.

Reasons why girls like me: I am so fearless...

 Posted by Shelly

Alright, ladies of the world-- prepare to swoon as I tell you exactly what I did earlier this evening. Right now, you may only think that I am charming and handsome. But after hearing this story, you will forever think of me as the the most daring piece of hunk ever known to Hunkville. Are you ready?

Okay. Let me begin his story by setting the atmosphere. I live in a basement. It suits my lifestyle (limited sunlight, minimal social interaction...) However, there is one serious problematic bit about it: spiders. Not just your regular, pansy spiders. These guys are massive! (Well, massive as far as dinky Canadian spiders go.) They look like daddy long-legs on steroids.

Now, let me give you a tour of my room.

This, generally, is where I sleep. You may notice that, directly above my pillow, there is a giant, gaping hole in the ceiling. In fact, there are lots of giant, gaping holes all over my ceiling (they are caused by my cats falling through the tiles a long time ago. That's a different story!) I've come to the conclusion that these holes are the gateways to Spider Hell. There are always spiders hanging from threads, hanging from these holes. In fact, one night, I caught a giant spider suspended about an inch above my pillow. I'm pretty sure that they hang above my mouth as I'm sleeping every night. (And noooo, when I discovered the pillow spider, I did not throw a fit and call up my friends in a panic attack. They're lying to you.)

Moving on...

This is the tragic aftermath of an accidental hip-bump I took into my book shelf. My poor Futurama figurines lay in terrified disarray, but what is even more tragic is that, during the disaster, Fry was knocked off of the edge and down deep into the dark, abysmal gorge behind the shelving unit. (I mean, I do have many duplicates of Fry, but... nooooooooo! Not Fry!)

It was my duty as a devoted figurine collector to save him, despite all risks.

I peered down into the void...

The above picture does it no justice. This is probably because there is a goose in the corner. That just detracts from everything. But let me assure you, it was darkest shade of dark, and it was SCARY.

I squinted hard, but I could not see anything past the tangled mess of videogame cables. So, I got down real low, zeroed in close, and beamed my flashlight. What I witnessed would make some people curl up in fear. But not me, for I am Shelly the Brave, and nothing can frighten me.

Hiding behind the shelf were, not just one spider, not just two spiders, but three spiders. No, that's a lie, there were only two spiders. But they were big and spidery. And I saw Fry there, helpless and scared, in the middle of them all. And that's when I knew, right then, just exactly what I had to do.

With my arm, I boldly reached into the middle of the spider party and groped around. I grabbed on to Fry, and I felt soft tickley crawls on my arm. I pulled back as fast as I could.

The mission was a success. I had rescued Fry. I looked at him, and he looked at me, and for a moment, we connected.

Then I realized I had dropped his pizza box accessory behind the shelf also. But I was like, "Fuck that!" and I didn't get it.

So, that's my story. You probably have tears in your eyes from my selfless display of bravery. Now, who wants to make out with me?

Rufio!

posted by Erin

There are three movies that they absolutely never fail to show on TV on any given weekend. Those movies are Big with Tom Hanks, Hook with Robin Williams and Legally Blonde with Reese Witherspoon. And while Big and Legally Blonde are fine enough movies, my heart belongs to Hook always.

It was basically the movie of my childhood. I am contractually obligated to terminate my friendships with anyone who hasn't seen Hook, however they are not able to give me the same treatment because I haven't seen The Dark Knight. 

Hook also contained the object of my seven year old affections, and I know I'm not alone in this sentiment.

I think we all saw this coming.

 

 

At one point in my life, I can safely say I would go hetero for Rufio. SHUT UP YOU FELT THE SAME WAY. No one outside of Tuxedo Mask has been the object of more crushes of small girls.

Rufio was just goddamn awesome all around. He was Peter Pan if Peter Pan had manned up and decided he wanted to play bass for No Doubt. There was a part of me rooting for Rufio when he threatened an already bloated and sweaty Robin Williams with a sword. And then that smug bastard Captain Hook killed him! Oh yeah, spoiler alert I guess.

Rufio would surface later playing a gay guy in But I'm a Cheerleader which is also a required viewing for all you lesbians out there. But he was no longer the Rufio I remembered from my childhood. I guess you know, because he's an actor and he's supposed to be able to play different roles and characters.

What's the point of this post, you might be asking. Honestly it's to get Shelly's lame ass photos off the front page first thing.

Love yooou, Shelly.

Long time, no post!

Posted by Shelly

Whoooa, settle down everyone, the blog isn't dead! Yeah, sorry, it hasn't been updated in a while, I've just been keeping myself pretty busy. "Doing what?" you say. Here, let me fill you in on the deets...

 Gettin' Inked!

Ladies...

Drawing dragons!

Err... ladies?

Trying to figure out how to unstick my stuck can of whipped cream! (Arrrgghh, I just want to eat it's deliciousness, but it's stuck inside there, and I KNOW it's not empty, and I've spent countless hours trying to Google tutorials for unsticking aerosol cans, why isn't it working, this is getting sad, awww.... WHY???)

Hey, where did all the ladies go?...

Movie Review: Memento Mori

posted by Erin

What started as an attempt to review a scary (ie: Halloweeny) movie with a lesbian theme ended up missing the date of Halloween completely. It is now a chilly November morning, on the 2nd, the candy-induced haze on my brain only just beginning to lift. Still, I thought even if this review couldn't make it for Halloween, it still had lesbians in it and as we know, every day is lesbian day.

I wanted to do another movie review but I also wanted to keep with the Halloween theme. After a lot of pondering and narrowly evading the mess that is A Werewolf in a Women's Prison, I decided to go with Memento Mori, a Korean flick that doesn't really know what it wants to be and, had it simply played the forbidden romance angle, might have succeeded as an excellent and much-needed piece of foreign lesbian cinema.

"Underwater is the only place that's safe to read this diary! Glug glug..."

I've devoted countless hours and money researching the strange thing that is lesbian schoolgirls and even now, I can't give anyone a solid answer to the issue. Why do they exist? Why do they all look like they're in their mid to late 20's? Are the skirts cold? This doesn't reflect well on me, as I apparently watch nothing but movies about lesbian schoolgirls. If this blog is any indication whatsoever. AND IT IS.

Memento Mori is actually branded as an Asian horror movie in North America so of course, I innocently picked it up from my local movie pirating torrent website, expecting nonstop, horrific fun. Usually if a movie is a surprise lesbian movie, I have nothing but praise for it. It's like finding the last coke in the fridge. It's like finding out that midterm test you completely blew out your ass only occurred in a dream and the class itself doesn't even exist. It's like when you discover that you're capable of ejaculating. I was surprised when Memento Mori turned out to be a movie about lesbians. But I was less than thrilled to find out it absolutely blew as a horror movie. 

Again we find the movie taking place in an all-girl's school. Our lovers this time are Hyo-shin(the bisexual, crazy one) and Shi-eun(the partially-deaf, brooding one). 

Because they go to an all girl's school, no one really finds their relationship all that hot and the other girls, besides all being uglier than our lesbians, are fairly vocal in their hatred of the couple. Hyo-shin and Shi-eun's relationship is so riddled with obsession and weirdness that eventually the two become close enough to telepathically communicate with one another. I know some girls who did that and they say it took all the passion out of their relationship. 

I remember in my high school, while ridden with hicks and moonshine, there was at least an honest attempt at a 'safe space' in the counselor's office. The teachers at least paid lipservice to the idea of being tolerant of homosexuality. There is no such attitude in this school. The girls and the teachers are happy to pick on the couple and at any given moment, in any classroom scene, one of the teachers will fly off the handle and just go Charlie Sheen on whichever person happens to be the closest to them while they rage. I guess the crazy in North Korea has started to travel south. You can't really fault anyone for that. 

Min-ah serves as 'that girl that the "normal" viewers can relate to'. One day she stumbles across a rather elaborate diary that was written by our couple and, intrigued, she begins to read it. She serves as a window to which we can look into the relationship more closely. The unsettling obsession and closeness between the two girls becomes clear to her from the diary but like reading Twilight, she can't really put it down. She starts to think she might be gay for Shi-eun. Shi-eun and Hyo-shin break up sometime in the series of events, which is a little confusing because a lot of the film is supposed to be in flashback, not that they blur the edges of the picture or anything.

Hyo-shin sleeps with one of the male teachers for some reason and gets herself pregnant. She tries to get back with Shi-eun who is understandably hesitant and so Hyo-shin, in her grief and North Korea-induced craziness, commits suicide by leaping off the roof of the school. Every student is shocked but no one really seems all that sad to see her go. You know, business as usual I guess. 

This is when the movie remembers that it's actually supposed to deliver on its promised horrors and so, like a soap-opera being rewritten at the last minute to include a half-assed attempt at bringing back a character that died, so to does Memento Mori spin a half-assed tale of Hyo-shin returning to haunt the school as a ghost. She serves to seek out her revenge by... well locking the doors and turning off the lights, essentially. We spend much too long watching everyone in the school, absolutely insane with fear, running around trying to open doors while the face of Hyo-shin looks on from a projection on the ceiling. 

Then the movie abruptly ends... Nothing is really solved. No one gets what they deserve. Hyo-shin stays dead. A lesbian horror movie from North America would reek of exploitation and cult fetishness but Memento Mori actually makes for a half-decent drama. Not to mention that it's just lovely to look at. The problem is the horror aspect. It takes away from the reality of the situation, it makes the whole thing laughable all of a sudden. I would love Memento Mori if it had disposed of the ridiculous attempt at scares and focused on simply the love story between the two girls. But hey, I guess the cast and crew have to eat too. 

For it's actually pretty nice first half and very miserable second half, three stars out of five.

 

Stuff I've learned about 1st Dates

 Posted by Shelly

First dates are scary for awkward lesbians! Especially if you're anything like me and can't help but blush incessantly in the mere presence of a cute girl (you would think that my darker complexion conceals blushes, but you're wrong, YOU'RE WRONG!)

And so, for the benefit of all, I have compiled a list of tips for quick reference.


Stuff I've learned about 1st Dates:

• Some people just don't like Tron. Accept this and try not to make a scene. I've spoiled a few first dates with: "Hey, have you seen the trailer to the new Tron movie? Wait, you don't know what Tron is? YOU MUST KNOW TRON!!! Seriously??? You still don't??? You know, you drive this futuristic motorbike that draws a line behind you where ever that you go, and you want to draw lines behind you that cut off other people's motorbikes to make them crash and explode??? No??? What do you mean that sounds stupid?  AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!"

If only our bond could be as close as two insane-difficulty Tron bots, racing side-by-side with impeccable computer timed reflexes to the end of the level, together... sigh... so romantic...

• If you're going to compliment a girl, figure out what you want to say first. Better yet, pinpoint exactly what you're going to compliment her on. Or else, you'll end up saying something like, "You have a nice.... face", and she'll be like, "Uhhh... thanks?....", and you'll be like, "Err, well, I was going to saw you had nice eyes, but then I also was thinking that you had a very pretty smile, so I decided just to generalize!", but by that point she'll already have begun to think that you're kind of creepy. 

• Awkward silences suck. Fill them by talking about something every lesbian likes, e.g. Tegan and Sara. Wait, I know that you are thinking, "HEY, NOT EVERY LESBIAN LIKES TEGAN AND SARA, GOSSSSSH!" but SHHH, STOP YELLING AT ME cause it's worked for me every time! EVERY TIME! Just saying! Now stop denying, and go back to listening to Alligator off the new T+S album, and maybe even go back to watching the music video, 'cause the random choreographed dance routine in it is awesome. Just awesome.

Popped my blog cherry: Lazy Sundays

Posted by Paige

As I sat at my desk, bored out of my mind and sleepy after playing about five hours worth of Solitaire, I realized… I haven’t written even one post for the blog that I am supposedly a part of. So, with that, I decided that a week of procrastinating was enough and I should make my debut already… And so here I am, writing this in an effort to put off studying for my Religion (in Contemporary Culture) midterm that is tomorrow.

Originally I thought my first post could be about something relevant and interesting, but then I got scared about it being really shitty, so… this is the result.

Being in university and living in residence, there’s really not much to do on a Sunday except sleep in and spend the rest of the day nursing your hangover. I like to spend my time rocking out to Say Anything, Dragonette, and various musical soundtracks while spending large portions of my day playing Solitaire - but none of that is reserved just for Sundays. Occasionally I’ll watch people playing sports on the field outside my window, but that involves turning my head. In terms of actually taking care of various needs like food and showers… those are optional.

A typical Sunday.

 

 Is anyone out there any less boring than myself in their free time?

We're about to become much better friends aka: Erin's first time

 Posted by Erin

To the surprise of absolutely no one, our polls have determined that a whopping 60% of our three and a half readers (the last one is just a "casual reader") would like to see more articles on sex. And I aim to please, although if you were expecting the sexy tales of two attractive L Wordesque women boning in various exotic and improbable locations... you'll have to wait for Bronwyn to post hers, because you won't find anything even remotely sexy here. 

I suppose I should start from the beginning, since simply describing a random sexual encounter would be like starting to watch Lost halfway through season three. 

My first relationship, at the age of eighteen, was a month-long, absolutely sexless ordeal that ended in a mass murder suicide... of my self esteem. My second relationship was a two month pain in arse with a girl who was as heterosexual as could be who lied about her experiences with women and was about as interesting as staring at an irregularly shaped rock all day. In between those two relationships, I had sex for the first time. 

It basically came at roughly the same time I was introduced to alcohol. The age here in Ontario is nineteen. Over the river in Quebec it's eighteen and in the states it's... what? Thirty five or something? But I waited until I was almost nineteen before I had my first real drink.


There was the Christmas party, December 2007, where I was unfortunately molested on a couch by the creepiest boy there. No, I don't count that as my first time but could you imagine? Nor is it the weekend I'd turned nineteen where I singled out the first person in the bar, made out with her, went home with her, made out some more, and then unsuccessfully snuck out of her apartment the next morning, while repeating "What have I done? Oh god what have I done?"


No, the first time was in February of 2008, as near as I can recall. Her name was Juliette* and she was the biggest flake I'd ever met in my life. My well-meaning gay friend Travis knew her from god only knows where. I am forced to assume he caught her going through his garbage. My impression of her is rather hazy. I know she was at least seven feet tall, towering over my short, but not slight, five foot two frame. I know that we spent our first "date" walking around campus talking awkwardly. I also know that during that time, I had absolutely no sense of what we will call "not chemistry", I was desperately alone, and I looked like this: 

You didn't realize you could have too much sexy UNTIL YOU SAW THIS PHOTO.

Juliette and I split after our awkward first date but I was already planning for the next one. On our second first date, we decided to just seal the deal and get it over with. She'd never been with a woman outside of a poorly thought out threesome and I was... well... horribly awkward in every way, so it really goes without saying.

But she had one thing going for her, and that was an apartment all to herself, albeit filled to the ceilings with garbage when she ran out of room on her back porch for it (seriously). My parents had enlisted a 'no sex under my roof' rule, that was apparently in effect even when they weren't home. So, a four pack of Bacardi Breezers under one arm, I spent the night at Juliette's apartment. 

I drank all four bottles of the booze and realized miserably, that I wasn't feeling any more confident, and she wasn't any hotter. We moved to her absent sister's bedroom (because her own bed was covered in garbage, surrounded by a sea of garbage) and things got rather uninteresting. I was on the rag so I kept my panties on. I tried to handcuff her to the bed post, only to realize that she didn't have a bedpost and the handcuffs themselves were easily escapable so I essentially just held them above her head with one hand. 

I almost went down on her, before terror seized me and I recoiled in fear. I boredly fingered her for almost thirty minutes, constantly switching hands, occasionally asking "Are you finished yet? No? No, it's cool. I'm having fun. No, really. No I am." 

She finished. I nursed my sore hands. She went to sleep on the couch and I slept alone in the bed. The next day, we watched The Pokemon Movie in stony silence and then I babbled that I had to get going. I walked to the bus stop hung over, during a snow storm and I saw a bird attack and eat another bird in the air above me. 

She posted a message on my Facebook wall later that day, cryptically saying, "I owe you one ;)" 

Sad to say, I never did get repaid. Nor did I get a desperately needed do-over.  

*note: not actually her real name

A success!

Posted by Erin

The zombie walk was most excellent. This was my first year and it rocked.

Poop goes in the potty

Posted by Shelly

So, I was IMing this girl, (IM-- so much easier than real social interaction! Do people say IM? MSN? Whatever, I'm hip.) and I was trying to be cool, so I sent her a link to this trendy band on YouTube. Except, with it was accidentally sent a list of my "favourites" on YouTube. This is the second time it's happened to me this week! She's also the second person to comment on how I have the "The Poopsmith Song" in my top favourites. I don't think she was charmed. Stupid... YouTube...

Whatever, I don't care. If you don't like The Poopsmith Song, what is wrong with you???

P.S. I blame Matae.

P. P. S. Here are some pictures of ceramic poops that I made and kept from my Gr. 10 art class. I had to sneak them into the kiln. So worth it...

Log poop...

...Swirly poop! Why don't girls like me?

Zombies!

Ottawa Zombie Walk today! Come on down! 

 

Ugh! I have such high standards...

 Posted by Shelly

I'm having a hard time meeting that special someone who's just right for me.

Why can't every woman just be Peneloppe Cruz weilding a Mastersword, driving a tron bike?

It would also be awesome if the Mastersword was actually a sandwich.

Everyone gets lonely sometimes... I just use Photoshop to fill the void...

Observations about sleep deprevation

Posted by a sleepy Erin

I stayed up all night with the intent of getting on top of some projects instead of speeding through them the night before the due date. Suddenly, artistic inspiration hit me. Fingers trembling, I took out my pencil and sketchbook and lo and behold, I began to draw...

 Totally worth it...?

I sketched all night and when I glanced at my clock I realized that it was an hour before I usually wake up (at 5 am... unfortunately). When it comes to late nights, there's always a 'point of no return' period. When the potential sleeper realizes they have two hours before they have to wake up and they usually just proclaim 'fuck this noise, I'm going ALL NIGHT, BABY!'. Stock up on energy drinks, coffee and something that delivers a mild electric shock, possibly hooking up your nipple clamps to a bug zapper. You all HAVE nipple clamps, don't you? Ask your mom to borrow hers, she doesn't use them (except on the last Friday night of every month). 

I hopped into the shower at 4:30 and enjoyed the cascade of just below scalding water. I like to come out looking like a goddamn lobster. Everything else is just NOT HOT ENOUGH. Which makes it difficult in the mornings. I want my long hot shower but after about two minutes I have my father banging on the door saying, "Don't use up all the hot water! And have you gained WEIGHT?!"

Well yes, but that's not the point. 

So early in the morning, I was able to enjoy a slightly longer shower. I could finally wash that rotting vegetable smell out of my Michelin man-esque rolls, a mammoth task that eludes me most days. I found the TV remote too. It was a good morning for cleanliness, all around. I haven't showered that much since I had that one night stand with Bronwyn and her reptilian third eyelids. 

Bronwyn is SO wasted in this photo.

I even had time to apply all the makeup that I needed to apply. 

As a natural blond, my eyebrows and eyelashes come in an unfortunate shade I like to call 'invisible'. Every morning, if I want to look like a normal human being and NOT like the Mona Lisa, who I have determined is NOT a human being at all, I have to draw my eyebrows on. The biggest source of conflict in my life among the other sapphists is whether or not I'm a lesbian based solely on my makeup and tendency to carry a purse. Listen up! Most of you have awesome clear skin and perfectly normal, visible eyebrows. I have a face that has been affectionately described by my psychiatrist as 'pock-marked'. The purse is to haul my makeup around in. The entire bottom of my purse is coated in a hardened facial powder. 

To look halfway human, my makeup regime takes up a good chunk of my mornings. Also blow drying and straightening my hair. My hair isn't really curly, isn't really straight. It just does this thing on the right side where the same lock every day will bend upwards... Like I thought about curling my hair but then as I got the first bit of hair around it, I gave up. It's like I wandered into a field of friendly deer and one of them licked my head. It's just a worthless little piece of hair and straightening only holds it down for a while... If I had it on the other side too, at LEAST it could look like I meant to do it and that I hadn't gotten my hair caught in a door.

With the extra time to get ready but a brain that has turned to molasses from lack of sleep, I decided after going through my closet, that dressing like Stevie Nicks would be a totally good idea and not crazy at all. So today I look a little bit like a crazy cat lady who also happens to be a witch. Excellent, it's good to target that market. 

I now find myself in the lab, energy drink long forgotten, while I pretend that I'm totally not tired at all. Pssshoooooooooooooooooooooo....

Internet Dating and You Part 2: Milking the post

 Posted by Erin

I noticed that the first part of this deep and meaningful investigation lacked absolutely anything related to lesbianism. So now we delve into the deeper layers of the disgusting raisin cake that is internet dating, to a niche inside a niche. 

Ladies, of course I'm talking about...

Lesbians on Dating Sites (and why they aren't there)

I don't fucking know, I'm only one woman!

  
There is a website that a certain celebrity plugged in a certain nine minute long music video. I won't name said website, but seeing as you have it open in another window as you read this, obsessively refreshing your e-mail page every ten minutes, I'm sure you know the one I'm referring to. 

You might be saying, 'Erin, you idiot, there are SO lesbians on dating sites. What the hell am I doing reading this? I should be studying for my midterm tomorrow.' It's true, you should but let me just explain something here. 

 

This is my helpful little breakdown of lesbians on most dating sites, for people who need their pie charts in order to understand things. As you can see... a giant portion of this delicious pie is made up of these things we call "probably not lesbians". Unlike what the L Word would have you believe, a lot of people are actually not lesbians. And most of them wear bras. 

For some reason though, a lot of girls are "curious" about it. And rather than hide this shameful affliction from the world, they've decided to take it to the Internet in the hopes of finding like-minded people. What they end up finding are newly out lesbians who haven't yet sharpened their gaydars enough to realize the truth. 

So while you may think you've just uncovered a plethora of reasonably attractive women on the site and are rubbing your hands together pervertedly and grinning: 

  Remember that a good chunk of them are about as gay as the popular girls were when they got drunk and started making out on the boat cruise at the non-school sanctioned after prom party.

Why No One Messages You

Dating sites are probably the biggest letdown since you found out Santa Claus isn't real and that your parents had sex at least once, in order to make you. You posted your photo, made up a snazzy profile, even messaged a couple people who seemed interesting. You wait for days, weeks... nothing. Not even a spark of interest from your fellow desperate loners. Confused, angry and disillusioned, you change your profile from 'Looking for a relationship' to 'I don't care' and change the tune of your profile to something like 'I don't even care if I meet anyone. I'm so disillusioned with online dating these days, anyway...' 

Here's the thing. You put that you're interested in men instead of women and the floodgates open. Countless creepy men message you immediately. You're sifting through upwards of 40 messages a day, deleting many, playfully responding to some. The point is, you have a much better shot being attracted to men than women on a dating site because of one simple thing... 

Women don't message each other.

If you've ever been to a gay bar, you might see it in action. Oh sure, some people are paired up, but there are just as many looking around, double fisting, just as lost and afraid as you are. Some are even attractive (unlike you). What's the problem here? 

Well, I went to a club once with my straight friends. Almost immediately upon entering said club, my friend and I were approached by two fairly normal looking guys, looking to dance and buy us drinks. We turned them down... and standing right behind them were more guys, just as keen as the last ones. 

Women don't approach each other, at least not very often and certainly not nearly as much as men. I'd say it's just some sort of behavior that's bred into us. Ladies wait at the bar for someone to approach them, whores go after what they want. Problem with that is if everyone's a woman, then no one is approaching anyone. It's the same on dating sites. There are a lot of people who put up profiles and explicitly state, "I'm pretty uncomfortable messaging people, so message me if you're interested." The fuck? 

So if you're waiting around for the right girl to message you, it might never happen. Stop being a wimp and message her, already! 

Everyone still has vaguely defined expectations

If you glean just one piece of knowledge from this post today, let it be this... 

   

 This is, essentially, what everyone wants you to look like. Straddling the lines between butch and femme, slender, tattooed, and wearing a wife beater. Unless you look like this, no one is going to give a flying fuck if you share their interests or if you're sincere. 

And here is what every lesbian roughly looks like on dating sites. If you see some good looking girls, remember they're probably just looking to "experiment". No, actual honest to goodness lesbians, mostly look like our friend here. That's actually a self-taken photo, by the way. This is reality. I hope you like crazy nineteen year olds making the duck face. 

The girl in the photo above this one DOES exist, but why would she need to use an online dating site? She breaks up with her girlfriend and she's got another on the way. Your dream girl STILL doesn't need a dating site, no matter how popular and socially acceptable it's become in recent years to use one. Even if you do find the girl on top among the profiles, she's not going to message you back. Why should she?  You don't look like her ideal. It's like real life, only worse because everyone makes immediate snap judgments about whether or not they'll bother with someone, rather than getting to know them first.

Is there anything that can be done? Not really. Online dating takes a lot of time, luck and patience. There's always the chance that you'll be meeting with someone completely different than what you were expecting. And it's a lot easier to just ignore someone online then to be upfront with them. I'd say give it a shot but don't get your hopes up too much. 

Of course, if it gets more awesome girls on a dating website then I'm totally down with it.