Alright, ladies of the world-- prepare to swoon as I tell you exactly what I did earlier this evening. Right now, you may only think that I am charming and handsome. But after hearing this story, you will forever think of me as the the most daring piece of hunk ever known to Hunkville. Are you ready?
Okay. Let me begin his story by setting the atmosphere. I live in a basement. It suits my lifestyle (limited sunlight, minimal social interaction...) However, there is one serious problematic bit about it: spiders. Not just your regular, pansy spiders. These guys are massive! (Well, massive as far as dinky Canadian spiders go.) They look like daddy long-legs on steroids.
Now, let me give you a tour of my room.
This, generally, is where I sleep. You may notice that, directly above my pillow, there is a giant, gaping hole in the ceiling. In fact, there are lots of giant, gaping holes all over my ceiling (they are caused by my cats falling through the tiles a long time ago. That's a different story!) I've come to the conclusion that these holes are the gateways to Spider Hell. There are always spiders hanging from threads, hanging from these holes. In fact, one night, I caught a giant spider suspended about an inch above my pillow. I'm pretty sure that they hang above my mouth as I'm sleeping every night. (And noooo, when I discovered the pillow spider, I did not throw a fit and call up my friends in a panic attack. They're lying to you.)
Moving on...
This is the tragic aftermath of an accidental hip-bump I took into my book shelf. My poor Futurama figurines lay in terrified disarray, but what is even more tragic is that, during the disaster, Fry was knocked off of the edge and down deep into the dark, abysmal gorge behind the shelving unit. (I mean, I do have many duplicates of Fry, but... nooooooooo! Not Fry!)
It was my duty as a devoted figurine collector to save him, despite all risks.
I peered down into the void...
The above picture does it no justice. This is probably because there is a goose in the corner. That just detracts from everything. But let me assure you, it was darkest shade of dark, and it was SCARY.
I squinted hard, but I could not see anything past the tangled mess of videogame cables. So, I got down real low, zeroed in close, and beamed my flashlight. What I witnessed would make some people curl up in fear. But not me, for I am Shelly the Brave, and nothing can frighten me.
Hiding behind the shelf were, not just one spider, not just two spiders, but three spiders. No, that's a lie, there were only two spiders. But they were big and spidery. And I saw Fry there, helpless and scared, in the middle of them all. And that's when I knew, right then, just exactly what I had to do.
With my arm, I boldly reached into the middle of the spider party and groped around. I grabbed on to Fry, and I felt soft tickley crawls on my arm. I pulled back as fast as I could.
The mission was a success. I had rescued Fry. I looked at him, and he looked at me, and for a moment, we connected.
Then I realized I had dropped his pizza box accessory behind the shelf also. But I was like, "Fuck that!" and I didn't get it.
So, that's my story. You probably have tears in your eyes from my selfless display of bravery. Now, who wants to make out with me?
NOT ME LOL
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