I think the guy on the computer behind me is watching shit porn

post by Erin

There isn't a conceivable reason why I woke up this morning with the tell-tale aches and pains of an incoming cold AS WELL AS acid reflux that continues at this moment to bubble up my throat and scald my esophagus. Except that maybe the world is punishing me for something I was framed for. Maybe it was because two days ago, while leafing through the family safe for my transcripts, I came across my grandmother's will and happened to glance at the amount of money she'd be leaving me. 

Maybe it's because I saw my ex in the arms of another woman yesterday and instead of doing the mature, adult thing and saying hi all mature and adult-like, I panicked and ran into Lenscrafters, to be stared at by confused staff who seemed to think I just really wanted a pair of horned-rim glasses. 

Maybe I haven't been a good older sister and amid my sister's attempts at hanging out, I've dismissed her repeatedly. Usually bitterly uttering the words, "Go back to your WHORE!" Her whore being her boyfriend that she basically lives with. They already have two cats together. It's pretty damn serious.

Or, most likely, it's because the multimedia students share the lab with the gaming students and (I'm not making this shit up here), you can literally smell the gaming students before you see them. When they gather together in large groups you actually know about it before you turn around the corner. I have my doubts that they bathe regularly, let alone wash their hands. So when they touch the keyboard, I then touch the keyboard and the cycle of evil begins anew.

It's been an exhausting couple of weeks in terms of drama. Other people's drama, mind you, not my own. In order to have my own drama, I'd be required to go out and meet people, interact... maybe put on something that isn't a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. To that I say 'fuck that noise'. No, I just live through my friends, namely Bronwyn and Shelly. Learn from their mistakes, cry alongside them, nod wisely as they learn, laugh when they're triumphant etc. When they get married/common law married for those who scream in protest against heteronormativeness, I expect to live on one of their couches. Or maybe both. Maybe I'll switch it up. Like if Shelly lives in Florida and Bronwyn lives somewhere that isn't Florida, I'll live with Shelly in the winter.

I see my future as being a big black hole of suck. Like everyone in my family, it's not that I don't possess the skills and talents to succeed, I just don't seem to possess the drive. The art world isn't exactly booming with exciting prospects for obtaining hookers and/or blow. And the HTML coding isn't bending over to my whim like I was expecting it to. At least I can take some comfort in the fact that other people have similar doubts about the future but can still offer wisdom in my time of need...

I will, Courage Wolf. I will... Because I have an erection in the class of life. And I'll get up anyways.

I also happen to be high as a goddamn kite at the moment. By completely legal and honorable means, I assure you. I've taken Dayquil, which really shouldn't get you high, that seems a little counterproductive. But maybe getting you kite-high is the trick to dealing with your cold. Spend the week strung out on cold medicine, laugh at completely inappropriate times, sober up in a ditch somewhere, the last five days a blur. Contract a surprise STD. A typical cold, you know. 

Erin wants to take tentative steps into the world of dating again, although I remain tentatively tentative. It's not JUST to stick it to my ex. Time just isn't on my side at the moment. Any woman able to get past my ridiculous standard barrier would also have to deal with my frequent unavailability due to school. I don't see why anyone would even bother with someone who on a good day is described as 'Mia Kirshner only like, 500 pounds' or on a bad day, 'an overstuffed sack of potatoes'. 

There is a girl I fancy though. Which puts me further ahead of any other time I've ever said 'I want to date again!'. We've hung out a grand total of... once. But it was a hoot. That's all I really need to go by, you know. Again though, my availability rears its head. Suddenly it'll be two weeks before we can hang out again. It just seems way too long to wait for a talking sack of potatoes.

By the way, since the last article, people have been telling me they haven't seen Hook. I don't think I need to stress any further that you NEED TO SEE IT IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY.

Reasons why girls like me: I am so fearless...

 Posted by Shelly

Alright, ladies of the world-- prepare to swoon as I tell you exactly what I did earlier this evening. Right now, you may only think that I am charming and handsome. But after hearing this story, you will forever think of me as the the most daring piece of hunk ever known to Hunkville. Are you ready?

Okay. Let me begin his story by setting the atmosphere. I live in a basement. It suits my lifestyle (limited sunlight, minimal social interaction...) However, there is one serious problematic bit about it: spiders. Not just your regular, pansy spiders. These guys are massive! (Well, massive as far as dinky Canadian spiders go.) They look like daddy long-legs on steroids.

Now, let me give you a tour of my room.

This, generally, is where I sleep. You may notice that, directly above my pillow, there is a giant, gaping hole in the ceiling. In fact, there are lots of giant, gaping holes all over my ceiling (they are caused by my cats falling through the tiles a long time ago. That's a different story!) I've come to the conclusion that these holes are the gateways to Spider Hell. There are always spiders hanging from threads, hanging from these holes. In fact, one night, I caught a giant spider suspended about an inch above my pillow. I'm pretty sure that they hang above my mouth as I'm sleeping every night. (And noooo, when I discovered the pillow spider, I did not throw a fit and call up my friends in a panic attack. They're lying to you.)

Moving on...

This is the tragic aftermath of an accidental hip-bump I took into my book shelf. My poor Futurama figurines lay in terrified disarray, but what is even more tragic is that, during the disaster, Fry was knocked off of the edge and down deep into the dark, abysmal gorge behind the shelving unit. (I mean, I do have many duplicates of Fry, but... nooooooooo! Not Fry!)

It was my duty as a devoted figurine collector to save him, despite all risks.

I peered down into the void...

The above picture does it no justice. This is probably because there is a goose in the corner. That just detracts from everything. But let me assure you, it was darkest shade of dark, and it was SCARY.

I squinted hard, but I could not see anything past the tangled mess of videogame cables. So, I got down real low, zeroed in close, and beamed my flashlight. What I witnessed would make some people curl up in fear. But not me, for I am Shelly the Brave, and nothing can frighten me.

Hiding behind the shelf were, not just one spider, not just two spiders, but three spiders. No, that's a lie, there were only two spiders. But they were big and spidery. And I saw Fry there, helpless and scared, in the middle of them all. And that's when I knew, right then, just exactly what I had to do.

With my arm, I boldly reached into the middle of the spider party and groped around. I grabbed on to Fry, and I felt soft tickley crawls on my arm. I pulled back as fast as I could.

The mission was a success. I had rescued Fry. I looked at him, and he looked at me, and for a moment, we connected.

Then I realized I had dropped his pizza box accessory behind the shelf also. But I was like, "Fuck that!" and I didn't get it.

So, that's my story. You probably have tears in your eyes from my selfless display of bravery. Now, who wants to make out with me?

Rufio!

posted by Erin

There are three movies that they absolutely never fail to show on TV on any given weekend. Those movies are Big with Tom Hanks, Hook with Robin Williams and Legally Blonde with Reese Witherspoon. And while Big and Legally Blonde are fine enough movies, my heart belongs to Hook always.

It was basically the movie of my childhood. I am contractually obligated to terminate my friendships with anyone who hasn't seen Hook, however they are not able to give me the same treatment because I haven't seen The Dark Knight. 

Hook also contained the object of my seven year old affections, and I know I'm not alone in this sentiment.

I think we all saw this coming.

 

 

At one point in my life, I can safely say I would go hetero for Rufio. SHUT UP YOU FELT THE SAME WAY. No one outside of Tuxedo Mask has been the object of more crushes of small girls.

Rufio was just goddamn awesome all around. He was Peter Pan if Peter Pan had manned up and decided he wanted to play bass for No Doubt. There was a part of me rooting for Rufio when he threatened an already bloated and sweaty Robin Williams with a sword. And then that smug bastard Captain Hook killed him! Oh yeah, spoiler alert I guess.

Rufio would surface later playing a gay guy in But I'm a Cheerleader which is also a required viewing for all you lesbians out there. But he was no longer the Rufio I remembered from my childhood. I guess you know, because he's an actor and he's supposed to be able to play different roles and characters.

What's the point of this post, you might be asking. Honestly it's to get Shelly's lame ass photos off the front page first thing.

Love yooou, Shelly.

Long time, no post!

Posted by Shelly

Whoooa, settle down everyone, the blog isn't dead! Yeah, sorry, it hasn't been updated in a while, I've just been keeping myself pretty busy. "Doing what?" you say. Here, let me fill you in on the deets...

 Gettin' Inked!

Ladies...

Drawing dragons!

Err... ladies?

Trying to figure out how to unstick my stuck can of whipped cream! (Arrrgghh, I just want to eat it's deliciousness, but it's stuck inside there, and I KNOW it's not empty, and I've spent countless hours trying to Google tutorials for unsticking aerosol cans, why isn't it working, this is getting sad, awww.... WHY???)

Hey, where did all the ladies go?...

Movie Review: Memento Mori

posted by Erin

What started as an attempt to review a scary (ie: Halloweeny) movie with a lesbian theme ended up missing the date of Halloween completely. It is now a chilly November morning, on the 2nd, the candy-induced haze on my brain only just beginning to lift. Still, I thought even if this review couldn't make it for Halloween, it still had lesbians in it and as we know, every day is lesbian day.

I wanted to do another movie review but I also wanted to keep with the Halloween theme. After a lot of pondering and narrowly evading the mess that is A Werewolf in a Women's Prison, I decided to go with Memento Mori, a Korean flick that doesn't really know what it wants to be and, had it simply played the forbidden romance angle, might have succeeded as an excellent and much-needed piece of foreign lesbian cinema.

"Underwater is the only place that's safe to read this diary! Glug glug..."

I've devoted countless hours and money researching the strange thing that is lesbian schoolgirls and even now, I can't give anyone a solid answer to the issue. Why do they exist? Why do they all look like they're in their mid to late 20's? Are the skirts cold? This doesn't reflect well on me, as I apparently watch nothing but movies about lesbian schoolgirls. If this blog is any indication whatsoever. AND IT IS.

Memento Mori is actually branded as an Asian horror movie in North America so of course, I innocently picked it up from my local movie pirating torrent website, expecting nonstop, horrific fun. Usually if a movie is a surprise lesbian movie, I have nothing but praise for it. It's like finding the last coke in the fridge. It's like finding out that midterm test you completely blew out your ass only occurred in a dream and the class itself doesn't even exist. It's like when you discover that you're capable of ejaculating. I was surprised when Memento Mori turned out to be a movie about lesbians. But I was less than thrilled to find out it absolutely blew as a horror movie. 

Again we find the movie taking place in an all-girl's school. Our lovers this time are Hyo-shin(the bisexual, crazy one) and Shi-eun(the partially-deaf, brooding one). 

Because they go to an all girl's school, no one really finds their relationship all that hot and the other girls, besides all being uglier than our lesbians, are fairly vocal in their hatred of the couple. Hyo-shin and Shi-eun's relationship is so riddled with obsession and weirdness that eventually the two become close enough to telepathically communicate with one another. I know some girls who did that and they say it took all the passion out of their relationship. 

I remember in my high school, while ridden with hicks and moonshine, there was at least an honest attempt at a 'safe space' in the counselor's office. The teachers at least paid lipservice to the idea of being tolerant of homosexuality. There is no such attitude in this school. The girls and the teachers are happy to pick on the couple and at any given moment, in any classroom scene, one of the teachers will fly off the handle and just go Charlie Sheen on whichever person happens to be the closest to them while they rage. I guess the crazy in North Korea has started to travel south. You can't really fault anyone for that. 

Min-ah serves as 'that girl that the "normal" viewers can relate to'. One day she stumbles across a rather elaborate diary that was written by our couple and, intrigued, she begins to read it. She serves as a window to which we can look into the relationship more closely. The unsettling obsession and closeness between the two girls becomes clear to her from the diary but like reading Twilight, she can't really put it down. She starts to think she might be gay for Shi-eun. Shi-eun and Hyo-shin break up sometime in the series of events, which is a little confusing because a lot of the film is supposed to be in flashback, not that they blur the edges of the picture or anything.

Hyo-shin sleeps with one of the male teachers for some reason and gets herself pregnant. She tries to get back with Shi-eun who is understandably hesitant and so Hyo-shin, in her grief and North Korea-induced craziness, commits suicide by leaping off the roof of the school. Every student is shocked but no one really seems all that sad to see her go. You know, business as usual I guess. 

This is when the movie remembers that it's actually supposed to deliver on its promised horrors and so, like a soap-opera being rewritten at the last minute to include a half-assed attempt at bringing back a character that died, so to does Memento Mori spin a half-assed tale of Hyo-shin returning to haunt the school as a ghost. She serves to seek out her revenge by... well locking the doors and turning off the lights, essentially. We spend much too long watching everyone in the school, absolutely insane with fear, running around trying to open doors while the face of Hyo-shin looks on from a projection on the ceiling. 

Then the movie abruptly ends... Nothing is really solved. No one gets what they deserve. Hyo-shin stays dead. A lesbian horror movie from North America would reek of exploitation and cult fetishness but Memento Mori actually makes for a half-decent drama. Not to mention that it's just lovely to look at. The problem is the horror aspect. It takes away from the reality of the situation, it makes the whole thing laughable all of a sudden. I would love Memento Mori if it had disposed of the ridiculous attempt at scares and focused on simply the love story between the two girls. But hey, I guess the cast and crew have to eat too. 

For it's actually pretty nice first half and very miserable second half, three stars out of five.