Bye everybody!

Not posting here anymore.

Insert Titillating Title Here

Posted by Paige

Some of you may have noticed that I have not posted anything in the past few months. In fact, after my first post, I basically dropped off the face of the planet. I would like to say that I have been busy gallivanting around with a harem of women, much like Shelly, but the truth is that I have managed to acquire a girlfriend in my time away from the blog. So yes! Any of you planning on visiting the east coast, have no fear! The gay scene is strong and well here.

So now, some things you should be aware of if you come to visit Halifax:
- there is a gay club. Reflections. Hit it up - especially on a Friday night
- the roads are full of potholes
- there are a surprising number of homos for such a small city
- even if you don’t look for them, the gays will find YOU
- all of the stereotypes about east coasters being heavy drinkers are one hundred percent accurate

Grab a bottle.

 

And if any of you are curious about my girlfriend… I’ll leave you with a fun fact: she said she was straight when I met her. ;D

Update

 Posted By Shelly

Updates:

I've started wearing skinny jeans and baseball caps again.

I've also started flossing regularly and wearing slippers.

Selling out

http://missgreeneydesign.weebly.com/index.html

Sorry but if someone doesn't mind just stopping by? I need traffic! I'll take this down shortly.

Movie Review: Better Than Chocolate

post by Erin

According to a website I may have dreamed about, Better than Chocolate is the most popular movie to come out of Canada. It manages to narrowly win out against the only other movie Canada has ever made, Men with Brooms. Luckily for Canadians, with a movie about lesbians and another movie about curling, it manages to cover the interests of roughly the entire population anyways. Expect a movie about curling lesbians sometime in 2012.(Note: I would actually totally love that.)

Our story takes place in a nameless city, although it's probably supposed to be Toronto. For anyone who has never been to Canada, there’s basically Toronto and then the rest of us just live in small tribes of fifty to one hundred members, scattered across the arctic tundra.

We are introduced to Maggie, a nineteen year old college dropout who lipsyncs regularly at the local glow-in-the-dark gay bar and works at a Queer bookstore. Maggie meets Kim, a freelance artist who is living out of her van. How Kim even manages to afford gas for the thing on her meager income is left to the imagination. 

Don't worry, it's just paint.

The biggest obstacle to this emerging butch/femme romance is the presence of Maggie's mother and younger brother who have come to live in her apartment after a messy divorce. As you can imagine, Maggie isn't out to her family and her relationship with Kim is kept on the down low to avoid detection. 

The secrets quickly start to unravel, though, as Maggie is temporarily subletting the apartment from a woman who gives safe sex demonstrations and because of this, there is basically a dildo or vibrator in absolutely any place one can be concealed. Kim and Maggie sleep on the couch so that Maggie's mother can sleep in the bed. Maggie's seventeen year old brother spies them having sex one night (the the covers off too! They're not even trying to avoid being caught!) and, doing the reasonable thing, watches in amusement. 

This is where the movie takes an unrealistic turn. I don't know about you people out there but regardless of my orientation, if I ever accidentally saw my sibling on the job, I would react with repulsion and horror before having to be coaxed out of the bathroom after several hours.

Maggie's mother is a shrill, former housewife whose main concern is that her daughter isn't fashionable enough to get a man. She also bemoans her sex life (or lack thereof) to her children like it's nothing. Again, maybe I'm just prudish but I really don't want to know about the sex life of anyone in my family. If I came into the house one day to find my mother putting away groceries before looking up and exclaiming, "My GOD I haven't gotten laid in a while", I'd probably slowly retreat backwards out the door.

Maggie and Kim are both likable enough and mostly avoid running into too many stereotypes. Some of the other characters aren't so lucky. We have the Italian coffee shop owner next door who seems like he'd be more at home in Jersey than anywhere in Canada. We also have a bisexual woman in the cast, Carla, who might not even warrant a mention if not for the fact that she seems to think of and talk about sex all the time and has absolutely nothing else to do or say. It's kind of a stereotype that I'm sure annoyed a lot of bisexual women. However, she does manage to deliver one of the most poignant quotes in the movie-- "Soft centers, hard centers, I like all the chocolates in the box."

Other than that though, she's usually talking about her collection of anal beads. No, seriously.

 We also have Judy, a transgendered woman who has her eyes on the adorable Francis, the skittish owner of the bookstore. A little cringe worthy is when Judy strides up to Francis and declares that she's "almost a woman" and therefore they should go out. I don't claim to speak for the transgendered community but I dunno, it sort of struck me as a little offensive. She does redeem herself somewhat, however, with the amusing musical number 'I'm not a fucking drag queen' later on. 

We have to keep in mind that this movie is over ten years old now, made in 1999. The world was a different place back then. Looking like Saffron from Republica was considered cool and stylish. Internet backlash wasn't nearly as widespread and keeping a large van filled with gas was apparently affordable for someone who is essentially homeless. 

I doubt there are many people reading this blog who haven't seen Better than Chocolate. Without giving much else away, just remember it wasn't made in Hollywood so it has a standard happy ending where none of the gay people die. Its beginning to show it's age by now and in twenty more years, it might be virtually unwatchable. Who knows? Maggie and Kim provide the eye candy and the smoldering love scenes. Everything else is just a little too stereotypical and silly.

Still, it's a nice enough way to kill time on a boring Sunday afteroon.

Break up better with these helpful tips!

Posted by Shelly

So it seems that it's that time of year where everyone is breaking up with everyone (I even include myself in this statement.) You are all heartbroken and whiney. But listen - I will give you some advice to make you happy again. Some people doubt my awesome advice, but let me assure you, I'm a professional. I get dumped all the time! So listen and learn! Also, you're welcome.

Tip 1: It's time to get your life back in order. 

This is one of the most crucial steps to recovery. You need to lock yourself in your basement with your computer and your lvl 80 blood elf paladin, eat nothing but pizza pockets and cheese strings, and remember JUST HOW GOOD IT IS TO BE SINGLE.

Tip 2: Don't underestimate the value of having a harem. 

Seriously, if you don't already have a gaggle of hot women to follow you around and do your bidding, you should really get going on that.

For example, if you see your ex macking on some other girl right in front of you, you can just snap your fingers and say, "HAREM... ASSEMBLE!" and then have a plethora of women swooning all over you. And your ex will be like, "Hmmmff, come on, Becky, let's leave!" but you'll know that you just won. Oh, yeah, you won, all right.

Besides, harems are good for all sorts of occasions, too. Like this one time, I was dancing up in the club, and I was trying to get my groove on with some girl, but she was like "Pffff, no..." so I just said, "Whatever. Don't care. HAREM???" I'm pretty sure she wasn't looking at me with my harem, but, you know, whatever, I still won.

Tip 3: Revenge is awesome. 

Revenge is the best part of breaking up, but it gets overlooked so many times! Don't miss your opportunity to be spiteful and horrible with an excuse! And stop listening to people who tell you otherwise. I'M telling you, revenge will make you feel good, and immediate gratification is all the matters. I rememeber when my first girlfriend dumped me. To get back at her, I posted a video about oranges to her facebook page. She really hated oranges. Take that, you bitch!


Okay, that's all for now. Follow these steps, and you'll be soooooo over your ex in no time! I mean, just look at me, I'm already sooooooo over MY ex! Except... well.... I guess I am kind of lonely.... sigh....... wait..... HAREM, ASSEMBLE!!!!! See, it works!

In unrelated news, I made a whole bunch of stickers of my face. I'm gonna vandalize EVERYTHING with stickers, and people are going to come up to me and be like, "Hey... do I know you from somewhere?" and I'll be like, "I don't know.... have you seen my face around? HAHAHAHAHA..."

It's not vain to create a ton of stickers with your face on them.... jeeeeeeeeeeeez

I think the guy on the computer behind me is watching shit porn

post by Erin

There isn't a conceivable reason why I woke up this morning with the tell-tale aches and pains of an incoming cold AS WELL AS acid reflux that continues at this moment to bubble up my throat and scald my esophagus. Except that maybe the world is punishing me for something I was framed for. Maybe it was because two days ago, while leafing through the family safe for my transcripts, I came across my grandmother's will and happened to glance at the amount of money she'd be leaving me. 

Maybe it's because I saw my ex in the arms of another woman yesterday and instead of doing the mature, adult thing and saying hi all mature and adult-like, I panicked and ran into Lenscrafters, to be stared at by confused staff who seemed to think I just really wanted a pair of horned-rim glasses. 

Maybe I haven't been a good older sister and amid my sister's attempts at hanging out, I've dismissed her repeatedly. Usually bitterly uttering the words, "Go back to your WHORE!" Her whore being her boyfriend that she basically lives with. They already have two cats together. It's pretty damn serious.

Or, most likely, it's because the multimedia students share the lab with the gaming students and (I'm not making this shit up here), you can literally smell the gaming students before you see them. When they gather together in large groups you actually know about it before you turn around the corner. I have my doubts that they bathe regularly, let alone wash their hands. So when they touch the keyboard, I then touch the keyboard and the cycle of evil begins anew.

It's been an exhausting couple of weeks in terms of drama. Other people's drama, mind you, not my own. In order to have my own drama, I'd be required to go out and meet people, interact... maybe put on something that isn't a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. To that I say 'fuck that noise'. No, I just live through my friends, namely Bronwyn and Shelly. Learn from their mistakes, cry alongside them, nod wisely as they learn, laugh when they're triumphant etc. When they get married/common law married for those who scream in protest against heteronormativeness, I expect to live on one of their couches. Or maybe both. Maybe I'll switch it up. Like if Shelly lives in Florida and Bronwyn lives somewhere that isn't Florida, I'll live with Shelly in the winter.

I see my future as being a big black hole of suck. Like everyone in my family, it's not that I don't possess the skills and talents to succeed, I just don't seem to possess the drive. The art world isn't exactly booming with exciting prospects for obtaining hookers and/or blow. And the HTML coding isn't bending over to my whim like I was expecting it to. At least I can take some comfort in the fact that other people have similar doubts about the future but can still offer wisdom in my time of need...

I will, Courage Wolf. I will... Because I have an erection in the class of life. And I'll get up anyways.

I also happen to be high as a goddamn kite at the moment. By completely legal and honorable means, I assure you. I've taken Dayquil, which really shouldn't get you high, that seems a little counterproductive. But maybe getting you kite-high is the trick to dealing with your cold. Spend the week strung out on cold medicine, laugh at completely inappropriate times, sober up in a ditch somewhere, the last five days a blur. Contract a surprise STD. A typical cold, you know. 

Erin wants to take tentative steps into the world of dating again, although I remain tentatively tentative. It's not JUST to stick it to my ex. Time just isn't on my side at the moment. Any woman able to get past my ridiculous standard barrier would also have to deal with my frequent unavailability due to school. I don't see why anyone would even bother with someone who on a good day is described as 'Mia Kirshner only like, 500 pounds' or on a bad day, 'an overstuffed sack of potatoes'. 

There is a girl I fancy though. Which puts me further ahead of any other time I've ever said 'I want to date again!'. We've hung out a grand total of... once. But it was a hoot. That's all I really need to go by, you know. Again though, my availability rears its head. Suddenly it'll be two weeks before we can hang out again. It just seems way too long to wait for a talking sack of potatoes.

By the way, since the last article, people have been telling me they haven't seen Hook. I don't think I need to stress any further that you NEED TO SEE IT IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY.