Reasons why girls like me: I am so fearless...

 Posted by Shelly

Alright, ladies of the world-- prepare to swoon as I tell you exactly what I did earlier this evening. Right now, you may only think that I am charming and handsome. But after hearing this story, you will forever think of me as the the most daring piece of hunk ever known to Hunkville. Are you ready?

Okay. Let me begin his story by setting the atmosphere. I live in a basement. It suits my lifestyle (limited sunlight, minimal social interaction...) However, there is one serious problematic bit about it: spiders. Not just your regular, pansy spiders. These guys are massive! (Well, massive as far as dinky Canadian spiders go.) They look like daddy long-legs on steroids.

Now, let me give you a tour of my room.

This, generally, is where I sleep. You may notice that, directly above my pillow, there is a giant, gaping hole in the ceiling. In fact, there are lots of giant, gaping holes all over my ceiling (they are caused by my cats falling through the tiles a long time ago. That's a different story!) I've come to the conclusion that these holes are the gateways to Spider Hell. There are always spiders hanging from threads, hanging from these holes. In fact, one night, I caught a giant spider suspended about an inch above my pillow. I'm pretty sure that they hang above my mouth as I'm sleeping every night. (And noooo, when I discovered the pillow spider, I did not throw a fit and call up my friends in a panic attack. They're lying to you.)

Moving on...

This is the tragic aftermath of an accidental hip-bump I took into my book shelf. My poor Futurama figurines lay in terrified disarray, but what is even more tragic is that, during the disaster, Fry was knocked off of the edge and down deep into the dark, abysmal gorge behind the shelving unit. (I mean, I do have many duplicates of Fry, but... nooooooooo! Not Fry!)

It was my duty as a devoted figurine collector to save him, despite all risks.

I peered down into the void...

The above picture does it no justice. This is probably because there is a goose in the corner. That just detracts from everything. But let me assure you, it was darkest shade of dark, and it was SCARY.

I squinted hard, but I could not see anything past the tangled mess of videogame cables. So, I got down real low, zeroed in close, and beamed my flashlight. What I witnessed would make some people curl up in fear. But not me, for I am Shelly the Brave, and nothing can frighten me.

Hiding behind the shelf were, not just one spider, not just two spiders, but three spiders. No, that's a lie, there were only two spiders. But they were big and spidery. And I saw Fry there, helpless and scared, in the middle of them all. And that's when I knew, right then, just exactly what I had to do.

With my arm, I boldly reached into the middle of the spider party and groped around. I grabbed on to Fry, and I felt soft tickley crawls on my arm. I pulled back as fast as I could.

The mission was a success. I had rescued Fry. I looked at him, and he looked at me, and for a moment, we connected.

Then I realized I had dropped his pizza box accessory behind the shelf also. But I was like, "Fuck that!" and I didn't get it.

So, that's my story. You probably have tears in your eyes from my selfless display of bravery. Now, who wants to make out with me?

Rufio!

posted by Erin

There are three movies that they absolutely never fail to show on TV on any given weekend. Those movies are Big with Tom Hanks, Hook with Robin Williams and Legally Blonde with Reese Witherspoon. And while Big and Legally Blonde are fine enough movies, my heart belongs to Hook always.

It was basically the movie of my childhood. I am contractually obligated to terminate my friendships with anyone who hasn't seen Hook, however they are not able to give me the same treatment because I haven't seen The Dark Knight. 

Hook also contained the object of my seven year old affections, and I know I'm not alone in this sentiment.

I think we all saw this coming.

 

 

At one point in my life, I can safely say I would go hetero for Rufio. SHUT UP YOU FELT THE SAME WAY. No one outside of Tuxedo Mask has been the object of more crushes of small girls.

Rufio was just goddamn awesome all around. He was Peter Pan if Peter Pan had manned up and decided he wanted to play bass for No Doubt. There was a part of me rooting for Rufio when he threatened an already bloated and sweaty Robin Williams with a sword. And then that smug bastard Captain Hook killed him! Oh yeah, spoiler alert I guess.

Rufio would surface later playing a gay guy in But I'm a Cheerleader which is also a required viewing for all you lesbians out there. But he was no longer the Rufio I remembered from my childhood. I guess you know, because he's an actor and he's supposed to be able to play different roles and characters.

What's the point of this post, you might be asking. Honestly it's to get Shelly's lame ass photos off the front page first thing.

Love yooou, Shelly.

Long time, no post!

Posted by Shelly

Whoooa, settle down everyone, the blog isn't dead! Yeah, sorry, it hasn't been updated in a while, I've just been keeping myself pretty busy. "Doing what?" you say. Here, let me fill you in on the deets...

 Gettin' Inked!

Ladies...

Drawing dragons!

Err... ladies?

Trying to figure out how to unstick my stuck can of whipped cream! (Arrrgghh, I just want to eat it's deliciousness, but it's stuck inside there, and I KNOW it's not empty, and I've spent countless hours trying to Google tutorials for unsticking aerosol cans, why isn't it working, this is getting sad, awww.... WHY???)

Hey, where did all the ladies go?...

Movie Review: Memento Mori

posted by Erin

What started as an attempt to review a scary (ie: Halloweeny) movie with a lesbian theme ended up missing the date of Halloween completely. It is now a chilly November morning, on the 2nd, the candy-induced haze on my brain only just beginning to lift. Still, I thought even if this review couldn't make it for Halloween, it still had lesbians in it and as we know, every day is lesbian day.

I wanted to do another movie review but I also wanted to keep with the Halloween theme. After a lot of pondering and narrowly evading the mess that is A Werewolf in a Women's Prison, I decided to go with Memento Mori, a Korean flick that doesn't really know what it wants to be and, had it simply played the forbidden romance angle, might have succeeded as an excellent and much-needed piece of foreign lesbian cinema.

"Underwater is the only place that's safe to read this diary! Glug glug..."

I've devoted countless hours and money researching the strange thing that is lesbian schoolgirls and even now, I can't give anyone a solid answer to the issue. Why do they exist? Why do they all look like they're in their mid to late 20's? Are the skirts cold? This doesn't reflect well on me, as I apparently watch nothing but movies about lesbian schoolgirls. If this blog is any indication whatsoever. AND IT IS.

Memento Mori is actually branded as an Asian horror movie in North America so of course, I innocently picked it up from my local movie pirating torrent website, expecting nonstop, horrific fun. Usually if a movie is a surprise lesbian movie, I have nothing but praise for it. It's like finding the last coke in the fridge. It's like finding out that midterm test you completely blew out your ass only occurred in a dream and the class itself doesn't even exist. It's like when you discover that you're capable of ejaculating. I was surprised when Memento Mori turned out to be a movie about lesbians. But I was less than thrilled to find out it absolutely blew as a horror movie. 

Again we find the movie taking place in an all-girl's school. Our lovers this time are Hyo-shin(the bisexual, crazy one) and Shi-eun(the partially-deaf, brooding one). 

Because they go to an all girl's school, no one really finds their relationship all that hot and the other girls, besides all being uglier than our lesbians, are fairly vocal in their hatred of the couple. Hyo-shin and Shi-eun's relationship is so riddled with obsession and weirdness that eventually the two become close enough to telepathically communicate with one another. I know some girls who did that and they say it took all the passion out of their relationship. 

I remember in my high school, while ridden with hicks and moonshine, there was at least an honest attempt at a 'safe space' in the counselor's office. The teachers at least paid lipservice to the idea of being tolerant of homosexuality. There is no such attitude in this school. The girls and the teachers are happy to pick on the couple and at any given moment, in any classroom scene, one of the teachers will fly off the handle and just go Charlie Sheen on whichever person happens to be the closest to them while they rage. I guess the crazy in North Korea has started to travel south. You can't really fault anyone for that. 

Min-ah serves as 'that girl that the "normal" viewers can relate to'. One day she stumbles across a rather elaborate diary that was written by our couple and, intrigued, she begins to read it. She serves as a window to which we can look into the relationship more closely. The unsettling obsession and closeness between the two girls becomes clear to her from the diary but like reading Twilight, she can't really put it down. She starts to think she might be gay for Shi-eun. Shi-eun and Hyo-shin break up sometime in the series of events, which is a little confusing because a lot of the film is supposed to be in flashback, not that they blur the edges of the picture or anything.

Hyo-shin sleeps with one of the male teachers for some reason and gets herself pregnant. She tries to get back with Shi-eun who is understandably hesitant and so Hyo-shin, in her grief and North Korea-induced craziness, commits suicide by leaping off the roof of the school. Every student is shocked but no one really seems all that sad to see her go. You know, business as usual I guess. 

This is when the movie remembers that it's actually supposed to deliver on its promised horrors and so, like a soap-opera being rewritten at the last minute to include a half-assed attempt at bringing back a character that died, so to does Memento Mori spin a half-assed tale of Hyo-shin returning to haunt the school as a ghost. She serves to seek out her revenge by... well locking the doors and turning off the lights, essentially. We spend much too long watching everyone in the school, absolutely insane with fear, running around trying to open doors while the face of Hyo-shin looks on from a projection on the ceiling. 

Then the movie abruptly ends... Nothing is really solved. No one gets what they deserve. Hyo-shin stays dead. A lesbian horror movie from North America would reek of exploitation and cult fetishness but Memento Mori actually makes for a half-decent drama. Not to mention that it's just lovely to look at. The problem is the horror aspect. It takes away from the reality of the situation, it makes the whole thing laughable all of a sudden. I would love Memento Mori if it had disposed of the ridiculous attempt at scares and focused on simply the love story between the two girls. But hey, I guess the cast and crew have to eat too. 

For it's actually pretty nice first half and very miserable second half, three stars out of five.

 

Stuff I've learned about 1st Dates

 Posted by Shelly

First dates are scary for awkward lesbians! Especially if you're anything like me and can't help but blush incessantly in the mere presence of a cute girl (you would think that my darker complexion conceals blushes, but you're wrong, YOU'RE WRONG!)

And so, for the benefit of all, I have compiled a list of tips for quick reference.


Stuff I've learned about 1st Dates:

• Some people just don't like Tron. Accept this and try not to make a scene. I've spoiled a few first dates with: "Hey, have you seen the trailer to the new Tron movie? Wait, you don't know what Tron is? YOU MUST KNOW TRON!!! Seriously??? You still don't??? You know, you drive this futuristic motorbike that draws a line behind you where ever that you go, and you want to draw lines behind you that cut off other people's motorbikes to make them crash and explode??? No??? What do you mean that sounds stupid?  AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!"

If only our bond could be as close as two insane-difficulty Tron bots, racing side-by-side with impeccable computer timed reflexes to the end of the level, together... sigh... so romantic...

• If you're going to compliment a girl, figure out what you want to say first. Better yet, pinpoint exactly what you're going to compliment her on. Or else, you'll end up saying something like, "You have a nice.... face", and she'll be like, "Uhhh... thanks?....", and you'll be like, "Err, well, I was going to saw you had nice eyes, but then I also was thinking that you had a very pretty smile, so I decided just to generalize!", but by that point she'll already have begun to think that you're kind of creepy. 

• Awkward silences suck. Fill them by talking about something every lesbian likes, e.g. Tegan and Sara. Wait, I know that you are thinking, "HEY, NOT EVERY LESBIAN LIKES TEGAN AND SARA, GOSSSSSH!" but SHHH, STOP YELLING AT ME cause it's worked for me every time! EVERY TIME! Just saying! Now stop denying, and go back to listening to Alligator off the new T+S album, and maybe even go back to watching the music video, 'cause the random choreographed dance routine in it is awesome. Just awesome.

Popped my blog cherry: Lazy Sundays

Posted by Paige

As I sat at my desk, bored out of my mind and sleepy after playing about five hours worth of Solitaire, I realized… I haven’t written even one post for the blog that I am supposedly a part of. So, with that, I decided that a week of procrastinating was enough and I should make my debut already… And so here I am, writing this in an effort to put off studying for my Religion (in Contemporary Culture) midterm that is tomorrow.

Originally I thought my first post could be about something relevant and interesting, but then I got scared about it being really shitty, so… this is the result.

Being in university and living in residence, there’s really not much to do on a Sunday except sleep in and spend the rest of the day nursing your hangover. I like to spend my time rocking out to Say Anything, Dragonette, and various musical soundtracks while spending large portions of my day playing Solitaire - but none of that is reserved just for Sundays. Occasionally I’ll watch people playing sports on the field outside my window, but that involves turning my head. In terms of actually taking care of various needs like food and showers… those are optional.

A typical Sunday.

 

 Is anyone out there any less boring than myself in their free time?

We're about to become much better friends aka: Erin's first time

 Posted by Erin

To the surprise of absolutely no one, our polls have determined that a whopping 60% of our three and a half readers (the last one is just a "casual reader") would like to see more articles on sex. And I aim to please, although if you were expecting the sexy tales of two attractive L Wordesque women boning in various exotic and improbable locations... you'll have to wait for Bronwyn to post hers, because you won't find anything even remotely sexy here. 

I suppose I should start from the beginning, since simply describing a random sexual encounter would be like starting to watch Lost halfway through season three. 

My first relationship, at the age of eighteen, was a month-long, absolutely sexless ordeal that ended in a mass murder suicide... of my self esteem. My second relationship was a two month pain in arse with a girl who was as heterosexual as could be who lied about her experiences with women and was about as interesting as staring at an irregularly shaped rock all day. In between those two relationships, I had sex for the first time. 

It basically came at roughly the same time I was introduced to alcohol. The age here in Ontario is nineteen. Over the river in Quebec it's eighteen and in the states it's... what? Thirty five or something? But I waited until I was almost nineteen before I had my first real drink.


There was the Christmas party, December 2007, where I was unfortunately molested on a couch by the creepiest boy there. No, I don't count that as my first time but could you imagine? Nor is it the weekend I'd turned nineteen where I singled out the first person in the bar, made out with her, went home with her, made out some more, and then unsuccessfully snuck out of her apartment the next morning, while repeating "What have I done? Oh god what have I done?"


No, the first time was in February of 2008, as near as I can recall. Her name was Juliette* and she was the biggest flake I'd ever met in my life. My well-meaning gay friend Travis knew her from god only knows where. I am forced to assume he caught her going through his garbage. My impression of her is rather hazy. I know she was at least seven feet tall, towering over my short, but not slight, five foot two frame. I know that we spent our first "date" walking around campus talking awkwardly. I also know that during that time, I had absolutely no sense of what we will call "not chemistry", I was desperately alone, and I looked like this: 

You didn't realize you could have too much sexy UNTIL YOU SAW THIS PHOTO.

Juliette and I split after our awkward first date but I was already planning for the next one. On our second first date, we decided to just seal the deal and get it over with. She'd never been with a woman outside of a poorly thought out threesome and I was... well... horribly awkward in every way, so it really goes without saying.

But she had one thing going for her, and that was an apartment all to herself, albeit filled to the ceilings with garbage when she ran out of room on her back porch for it (seriously). My parents had enlisted a 'no sex under my roof' rule, that was apparently in effect even when they weren't home. So, a four pack of Bacardi Breezers under one arm, I spent the night at Juliette's apartment. 

I drank all four bottles of the booze and realized miserably, that I wasn't feeling any more confident, and she wasn't any hotter. We moved to her absent sister's bedroom (because her own bed was covered in garbage, surrounded by a sea of garbage) and things got rather uninteresting. I was on the rag so I kept my panties on. I tried to handcuff her to the bed post, only to realize that she didn't have a bedpost and the handcuffs themselves were easily escapable so I essentially just held them above her head with one hand. 

I almost went down on her, before terror seized me and I recoiled in fear. I boredly fingered her for almost thirty minutes, constantly switching hands, occasionally asking "Are you finished yet? No? No, it's cool. I'm having fun. No, really. No I am." 

She finished. I nursed my sore hands. She went to sleep on the couch and I slept alone in the bed. The next day, we watched The Pokemon Movie in stony silence and then I babbled that I had to get going. I walked to the bus stop hung over, during a snow storm and I saw a bird attack and eat another bird in the air above me. 

She posted a message on my Facebook wall later that day, cryptically saying, "I owe you one ;)" 

Sad to say, I never did get repaid. Nor did I get a desperately needed do-over.  

*note: not actually her real name